What It Really Feels Like When Someone You Love Cheats On You.

Cheating on someone is one of the worst (I repeat – WORST) things you can ever do to someone. To you, it might have been all a game, but to them, it might have meant everything.

Whether or not you’re doing it to fill a void or just for the thrill of it, when you cheat on someone, you’re doing more than just hurting them. You might be unaware of the consequences of your actions, but let me tell you, for someone who has been cheated on, it will always be some sort of reminder to them – it will always haunt them. It is a concoction of heartbreak, anger, regret, anxiety, and shame all rolled into one.

When you cheat on someone, you’re telling them they’re not good enough for you. That you never loved them.

You may beg to differ, but how can you put someone you truly love in such a position? To make them doubt their self-worth? To make them question everything they thought they knew about you? To make them believe that their trust was completely misplaced?

“Did I do something wrong?”
“What could I have done to prevent it?”
“Why did this happen?”
“Am I not good enough?”
“Why did you do it?”

– are questions you’ll ask yourself over and over again when you’ve been cheated on.

You don’t cheat on someone you love. Period.

When you cheat on someone, they’ll always be emotionally scarred. They’ll have their walls up because they don’t want to ever be hurt that way again. To feel like your world is crumbling, to believe that things like that happened, but just not to you. You see it in movies all the time, but we all know what happens in the movies and what happens in real life are two completely different ball games altogether.

They won’t let just anyone in; and even when they do let someone in eventually, they’ll always be guarded.

They’ll be paranoid, and you can’t blame them for it. Even if they’re in a new happy relationship, they’ll carry the hurt and the emotional baggage from the previous relationship into their new relationship – whether it be conscious or not – and it can’t be helped. They’ll always be suspicious, but don’t blame them for it; they’re just afraid that the same thing will happen to them again, and they can’t go through something as painful as that ever again.

They’ll want to trust again, but it’ll be difficult for them. They would take forever to learn how to trust, and how to be okay. Even if they’ve come to the rational conclusion that their cheating ex is a horrible person, you’ll somehow still fear that every future partner has or is cheating on you. Congratulations, you’re now an emotional wreck and a mess inside, and you’re going to spend every waking moment trying not to imagine the worst because you believe you’re completely broken.

When you cheat on someone, what you really mean to tell them is this: “I don’t love you. I don’t respect you, and I don’t care for/about you. I didn’t think about us, and how this would affect us. I was only thinking about myself.”

Is just one person not enough for us anymore? Aren’t we supposed to just find one person whom we think is worth it, and always stick by them through the good, the bad and the ugly?

When you love your partner, it means you respect them. And when you cheat on them, you’re betraying all of that. Isn’t it absolutely apparent that loyalty is fundamental in any relationship? We don’t need a Guide Book for Dummies for that, do we?

So please, leave if you must, but don’t cheat on someone you love, because that is the worst kind of damage you can do to someone who loves you.

Written by: Vondra Tay (with permission)

This article was published in thoughtcatalog.com

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  1. As I read your discouraging article on what it feels like to be cheated on, I can’t help but to think back to my most previous relationship and how I had betrayed my best friends trust with another woman. Best friend and gf at the same time. I know I will never have the trust I once had with her, but I was and am still wanting badly to continue fighting for her love and trust.
    You see one of the most fundamental problems I face is the fact that she is probably the most toughest, goal-oriented, and hard-working females I have ever been with. So with that said she craves her solitude to maintain her inner peace. And that’s the cunundrum of it all. All I want is to help her achieve her goals and to gain her trust again as I once did. I have recently told her that I wanted her to be happy with or without me, and as she is the one who has turned her back on me, it has been the hardest thing to do to just turn and walk away from the last 3.5 years of trying and fighting for our relationship.
    I can not convince nor force the woman who is always on my mind, practically every second of the day mind u, to accept me as the man she used to love and to work with me on everything we have built together, to open up her loving arms and embrace the idea.
    Relationships are supposed to be reciprocal, and although I made a huge mistake, I can never seem to bring that woman, who once loved me more than anything, back to the surface. I miss her more right now than she’ll ever know but I have to respect her wishes and let her go. If only I still mattered to her then she may give me 1 little inch to work with. The worst part is a mere days before the breakup her and I had reconnected on an unexplainable level. One I hadn’t seen in over a year. For me to have her start accepting me again one day to having her not even wanna be with me period the next, it really tore me up. But I had to be strong and allow her her wishes.
    Is there any advice or thoughts you may have for me on this matter? Positive or negative I will take it as it is presented to me.
    Thank you

  2. Maybe that person isn’t good enough. I cheated on my ex boyfriend and wish I’d left earlier. He wasn’t passionate, interesting, goal oriented and sex was bad. He was able to cover up his flaws by being a “nice guy” doting on me. I didn’t think I could do better. I think cheating can help everyone is both people are reflective.

    Now I am in a relationship with someone who makes me happy on all levels. My ex is dating and more honest with women about his personality. If I hadn’t cheated he would still be the same boring guy.

  3. True love never ends! “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”! The best advice is found from forgiveness, that is forgiving those who have hurt you, and forgiving yourself from trusting another, maybe a little to quickly! As we learn to forgive ourselves, that is the ‘bandage’! As we forgive those who hurt us, that is the ‘ointment’! We literally need only to learn from the past and not bring the hurts from the past. that is to live in the “NOW”, and for the future! When you have True Love within you, then you will have True Love to give ! Love from me!

  4. Eric. I was cheated on after 24 years. It changes your view of that person completely. We are still together 4 years later but never the same. It gets worse not better. I look for that love I used to feel all the time but dont find it. My thoughts about him now is always “does he really love me or is he just saying it because I dont feel it anymore.” He gave his intimacy to someone else and its gone forever. It never came back even though he swears he always loved me and still does. I think he only wants me now because his other choice did not work out. I constantly feel like im just here to look after him and feel sorry for him.

    Most of all you have to spill the beans and talk about everything that happened and truthfully how you felt and why. That might be the way to get the intimacy back. Denying and leaving questions unanswered from her proves to her you no longer intimate with her. I was told to just forget it and get over it because he doesnt want to be blamed for his mistake for the rest of his life.

    Biggest mistake he said. Shows no interest in my feelings as I feel I have to live in fear that it could happen again for the rest of my life.

    Before it happened I was told he deeply loves me. After it happened he says the same. WHAT MADE HIM NOT LOVE ME DURING THAT TIME. Its all boils down to IS HE LYING. If he was so eager to throw my love and trust away when opportunity knocked, what happens next time opportunity knocks, will he open that door or will he chase the person away in respect of me. Things will never be the same as before and I wonder if Im wasting my love on something I feel Ill never get back. So do you want your loved one to go through all that? I cant help you but help you understand what she is going through.

  5. I have always been against cheating and if I met a guy and he was taken, I accepted that and treated him only as a friend.
    But that all changed last year. I have worked in a small ingeneering company for the last 6 years. As we are small, I spend a lot of my time with my coworker and we became good friends. In time our feelings started to change from friendship to something more. He started subtly hitting on me and I ignored it or turned it to a joke because he had a girlfriend and a son. But he still persued me and became even open about it. This went on for over a year. At the end I was head over heels for him. I told myself we can’t be together because he is taken, but in the end I gave in to my feelings and we started an affair. I’ve always thought how can a woman be with a man who has a family and look herself in a mirror. Now I’ve become that woman. Let me tell you, it’s hard. One moment you’re happy, the next moment guilt with shame is eating you alive.
    This went on for almost a year. I tried to stop it two times, but as we were working together and seeing each other every day, it never lasted.
    What finally opened my eyes was the day when he told me he was going to marry his girlfriend. My world crumbled. I was always thinking of me as an intelligent person, but in this situation I was ignoring my brain and just following my heart. The worst part was, I was invited to the wedding. I stopped our affair right there and then.
    You can think the worst things of me, but at the end it was myself beating on me the hardest. Thankfully his now wife never found out about this affair, so the only person hurt in this situation is me. Yes I’m still hurt.
    I wrote this here to present also the other side of cheating and how basically everyone in this situation can be hurt. Ironically, I have lost my trust in men. If a man who is about to marry can still cheat, is there hope to meet someone, who will be honest with you and stick with you even through tougher times?

  6. When you cheat on someone, what you really mean to tell them is this: “I don’t love you. I don’t respect you, and I don’t care for/about you. I didn’t think about us, and how this would affect us. I was only thinking about myself.”
    (Or I knew what I was doing and I did it anyway, knowing how much it would hurt you)

    This is the distillation of betrayal. It is that simple. All the time that was invested has to be taken as a loss. Time away from a finite lifetime. Time you never get back. It is theft. There is never a good reason or an excuse for cheating. Cheating is always a just the true nature of the betrayer being exposed. The only good thing that can come from betrayal is the elimination of an untrustworthy person without honor from you life. Such a person can NEVER be trusted as a partner, as a spouse and worse as a parent. They ONLY care about themselves to the extreme of destroying their relationships and reputation. What some cheaters may not realize is that the rest of us talk about them. We warn other about what they did and we advise others that they are bad people to be close to. You can be “friendly” with them, but never friends. You will use them for what they can do for you but never trust them. If push comes to shove, you will cut them loose because they are low value people that are dangerous.

  7. My husband NEVER took our daughter and I on vacation to see “his family” in another country ever, not once. Everything was for THEM–supposedly. His “mamacita” was everything in the world to him, he worshipped and adored his mom. So how could he cheat on me four days after carrying his mom’s body to the grave??? “I had to see my amiga!” That time I had been invited to go, after mom was dead. Not for Mother’s Day six months before, to be there with the rest of the family. No matter what I did for them it was never good enough. Got them visas? Check. Got them jobs? Check. Babysit for them for free? Yup. Raised a wonderful daughter for him? YES! Love him or trust him ever again? No way in hell-o is that ever going to happen. The day I have enough money to leave him I’ll be gone in a nanosecond–and at the least, I’ve told my daughter, family and friends that I do NOT want to be buried with him. If he didn’t want me in life, he’s not having me afterwards either! p.s. How did I find out? He had to go to a doctor because four days after his mom died, r.i.p., his amiga gave him “the gift that keeps on giving!” What goes around really does come around sometimes!

  8. It’s been a year since I found out my husband and best friend(and neighbour) were having a 3year affair. I am working towards forgiving him, as he is trying and therapy is helping us both. But HER, she still just keeps blaming him. Saying it’s all his fault. Takes no responsibility for her actions. Wish she’d move!!!!

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