The unravelled heart.



And sometimes it is so hard to care for others when you can barely care for yourself. When you are tired in a way sleep will never ease. When the night goes too long and the morning comes too soon and you wonder where you will draw the strength to get through another day when there is nothing left in your drought-stricken bones.

You dress, make coffee, force a smile and hope nobody studies your eyes close enough to see the 4am loneliness that still lingers like tendrils of ivy that have crept in and wrapped themselves around your soul; relentless, incessant, determined.

You wear brave so well that nobody sees beyond the surface of your survival to the battle beneath. The way every day is another day on the front line, no matter how exhausted and torn apart you already are. Nobody sees the fresh blood drawn from old wounds or the anguish in your muscles that remain on guard or how much it takes for you to get back up when your knees bleed from the crawl.

You do the best you can but it never feels enough. Every night inadequacy whispers its shame against your ear and soon your heart beats in time with its words.

Failure. Disappointment. Hopeless. Weak. Useless. Incapable.

All you ever wanted was to do better – to be better – than what was shown to you. But you feel as though you fall so short. That you let down those who need you. That you aren’t enough and never will be.

You’re so damn hard on yourself. As if it isn’t enough just to have survived this far. As if it isn’t enough to have found a way to stitch your broken pieces together when there was such little of yourself left. Instead, you’re so ashamed of not being straight lines and seamless joins and all you see are the jagged scars drawn across your body and your fingers trace over them like braille and to you they spell defeat.

Darling, let me tattoo truth inside your wrists so when you’ve forgotten who you are you need only look down.

Undefeated. Worthy. Resilient. Strong. Courageous. Determined. Perfect. Enough.

And if the light grows weak and the words fade before your eyes I will say them out loud and the letters will fall from my mouth and form a bridge that will lead you back to yourself once more.

You are so much more than you see.

Your weakness intertwines with courage, your fear entangles bravery and your vulnerability is laced with strength. There is so much fortitude in the way you give all you have, even when you have nothing to give.

I know, today, you don’t believe me. I know today you are tired eyes and tear-stained pillows and battle scars etched upon your face. But all I ask is you look away from what you have come to believe about yourself and instead, look at me. Search my eyes for your reflection and in them you will see the truth.

That the way survival looks on you, my love, is nothing short of breathtaking.

The Unravelled Heart, a profoundly true reflection on trauma, abuse, love, loss and healing. Ranked #15 on Amazon’s bestseller list for poetry by women, available here:

Kathy Parker is a writer, poet, survivor and warrior; a lover of beautiful words and wide open spaces.  She is a survivor of abuse, sufferer of Complex-PTSD. Her greatest desire is to see all women empowered with the truth of their glorious worth.

She is a contributor for The Mighty, Thought Catalog, Truth Code, Lessons Learned In Life and The Minds Journal and also has writing published at Huffington Post Australia and Elephant Journal.

Her debut collection of poetry and prose, The Unravelled Heart, a profoundly true reflection on trauma, abuse, love, loss and healing, now available worldwide on Amazon

You can also find Kathy at FacebookTwitter and Instagram

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  1. What you are saying, ripples thru ‘ my soul, and it hurts. But I thank you, none the less,. I thank you.

  2. i have to beg you everytime to save our love, but you easily say goodbye. why?

    i have to let go of my ego and self respect but you dont care, why?

    i trust you more than me and share everything, but you dont give a damn to my words. why?

    i cry in pain and you are not around in the most needed hours of my life, wanting to see you stand there for me. but you dont realise. why?

    i try in every possible way till the last millisecond to not lose hope on you, but you give up on me so easily. why?

    After all this i m still writing this note to you shamelessly and i m sure you know WHY.

    Dont you.???

    1. When did you lose respect for yourself, enough to let this person (continue to) have this effect on you. You allow it (not blaming you for it happening). Respect yourself enough to stop putting up with mistreatment. Leave. This person does not respect you, either. Toxic relationships will suck the life out of you – respect yourself enough to put a stop to it and allow yourself to breathe freely without this suffocating cloud around you. It is true what they say…life is too short to remain unhappy.

  3. it’s a heartbreaking article. Shared pain is half pain …no! In my opinion is shared pain doubled pain, just as shared love and hatred doubles. Is it about not to have suffer alone? I’d rather hope that the aim is the hope that the pain gets less when you verbalize it.
    @sirisha, I feel 100% with you. You are not the only one and there will be so many questions left open. It is always a question of priority, one’s own possibilities and perspective. What is really important to the other person? It’s hard, but maybe it was never you the most important for this person. And most likely, the other person sees your situation completely differently. He / she sees her / his problems, fears and wishes. Not yours!
    So maybe you should also concentrate on you and your behalfs, as you can not reach this person. Even if it is hard, try to become a lucky person again and have fun in life. Maybe this person find his/ her way to you maybe not….maybe you just can not influence this!
    It makes little sense to discuss and explain things in writing, and it is just a torture, because where is what we long for? The physical closeness, a smile from face to face and hours spent together, walking hand in hand …

    1. @m : i m the most unluckiest.

      the person i love , loves me but does not need me. he wants to take care of me but will not care me. he feels my pain but does not but opts to let it bleed.

      i just want to know why does he not see that i love him. how much more should i explain that i dont want anyone else take his place. dint he see wat happenned last time he gave me up to someone. why do this to me again.

      why does he love me silently but not tell me once. if i die will he say?

      does he think i cant live with him follow his style in his home or in his capability.

      he does not want to meet me once? forget it cant he talk to me and tell me why he feels we should break.

      but i know he wont do anything but kill me with silence. this time i ll really die.

  4. Why are you talking about dying because of some idiot you are (for some reason still) with? You dying would just be a waste and he would not give a damn. Time to move on and learn to love yourself again.

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