Most people get married believing a myth, that marriage is beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for; companionship, intimacy, friendship. The truth is that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage; love is in people, and people put it into marriage. There is no romance in marriage; people have to infuse it into their marriages. A couple must learn the art, and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising– keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty.
-J. Allan Petersen
I think that romance is overly rated. My parents were married for 40 years, and were together five years before that. They didn’t celebrate St. Valentine’s Day, and would often forget when their wedding anniversary was near. Instead, they were very close. I would often see them hug in the kitchen. They rarely argued. It was Pop’s death that finally separated them, which left Mom utterly devastated.
People are not longing for companionship, intimacy, and friendship when they get married. This is where you are wrong. You don’t have to get married to have the three things you described. You can have a girlfriend (i.e. life long partner) and have less the headache of marriage. If you don’t like/love each other any more than you can split up and it is less costly. People who get married have decided to start a family with kids and all. Then raise the family and kids to be successful and good people when they grow up. This is where you see the fruit of your labor. After the kids grown up then you and the spouse and enjoy the rest of your life in your golden days.
The way I see marriage:
1. You start a family.
2. You work hard to fulfill your obligation as a parent and enjoy the time you spent with your spouse at the same time.
3. Your kids grown up with your guidance and up bring.
4. You enjoy the remaining of your life and grow old with your spouse.
5. You then die (hopefully happy seeing the fruit of your labor through your grand kids).
No one said raising a family is easy. You will have your ups and downs. But most importantly, you got to have trust. When you lose the trust you have nothing left in the marriage. I have seen too many cheating spouses and I am a victim of one. So if your readers read this, before you decide to cheat on your spouse, just remember the only people you are hurting is your spouse and your kids. If you don’t love your spouse any more, divorce them but don’t cheat and betray the entrust they have empowered you.
I can continue to rant some more but I choose to stop here as I have been standing on the soap box too long.
A friend once told me a joke about the three rings of marriage. You have the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
I am sorry N3AV3H for your suffering…it is not about the marriage itself really, but rather what it represents. You certainly do not have to have a piece of paper to prove your love. With your previous relationship (cheating) might I suggest a different angle to look upon things. When you got married/committed you loved that person….good times. Those good times existed and for that period in time you were happy and so was the other person. Do not, in your grief and angry ignore those, for you are ignoring yourself. When you are ready, go back into your memories and take those good times and smile…enjoy them once again. They existed, do not change them for anything other than what they were. Just try it….I told this to my son after a breakup…start with some funny memories, if you like. They are a part of you. He said it took away some of the anger, sadness and made him smile a little. He is now on good terms with his ex…both in other relationships which are better for both.
Beautiful. Right on.
It will and always have been full with the most precious presents, but i prefer your presence.