What it really feels like when someone you love cheats on you.

Cheating on someone is one of the worst (I repeat – WORST) things you can ever do to someone. To you, it might have been all a game, but to them, it might have meant everything.

Whether or not you’re doing it to fill a void or just for the thrill of it, when you cheat on someone, you’re doing more than just hurting them. You might be unaware of the consequences of your actions, but let me tell you, for someone who has been cheated on, it will always be some sort of reminder to them – it will always haunt them. It is a concoction of heartbreak, anger, regret, anxiety, and shame all rolled into one.

When you cheat on someone, you’re telling them they’re not good enough for you. That you never loved them.

You may beg to differ, but how can you put someone you truly love in such a position? To make them doubt their self-worth? To make them question everything they thought they knew about you? To make them believe that their trust was completely misplaced?

“Did I do something wrong?”
“What could I have done to prevent it?”
“Why did this happen?”
“Am I not good enough?”
“Why did you do it?”

– are questions you’ll ask yourself over and over again when you’ve been cheated on.

You don’t cheat on someone you love. Period.

When you cheat on someone, they’ll always be emotionally scarred. They’ll have their walls up because they don’t want to ever be hurt that way again. To feel like your world is crumbling, to believe that things like that happened, but just not to you. You see it in movies all the time, but we all know what happens in the movies and what happens in real life are two completely different ball games altogether.

They won’t let just anyone in; and even when they do let someone in eventually, they’ll always be guarded.

They’ll be paranoid, and you can’t blame them for it. Even if they’re in a new happy relationship, they’ll carry the hurt and the emotional baggage from the previous relationship into their new relationship – whether it be conscious or not – and it can’t be helped. They’ll always be suspicious, but don’t blame them for it; they’re just afraid that the same thing will happen to them again, and they can’t go through something as painful as that ever again.

They’ll want to trust again, but it’ll be difficult for them. They would take forever to learn how to trust, and how to be okay. Even if they’ve come to the rational conclusion that their cheating ex is a horrible person, you’ll somehow still fear that every future partner has or is cheating on you. Congratulations, you’re now an emotional wreck and a mess inside, and you’re going to spend every waking moment trying not to imagine the worst because you believe you’re completely broken.

When you cheat on someone, what you really mean to tell them is this: “I don’t love you. I don’t respect you, and I don’t care for/about you. I didn’t think about us, and how this would affect us. I was only thinking about myself.”

Is just one person not enough for us anymore? Aren’t we supposed to just find one person whom we think is worth it, and always stick by them through the good, the bad and the ugly?

When you love your partner, it means you respect them. And when you cheat on them, you’re betraying all of that. Isn’t it absolutely apparent that loyalty is fundamental in any relationship? We don’t need a Guide Book for Dummies for that, do we?

So please, leave if you must, but don’t cheat on someone you love, because that is the worst kind of damage you can do to someone who loves you.

Written by: Vondra Tay (with permission)

This article was published in thoughtcatalog.com

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  1. It happen to me recently and it’s kinda painful, the pain was unbearable.. And the worst thing is their living together now.. And it’s so unfair, his doing it while I was 1month here in abroad..

  2. This is so right on,I know it happened to me twice,when I finally met my prince I held back my feelings,always being on guard.He passed away three years ago and my biggest regret is no ever telling him how much I loved him.

  3. That must be an awful feeling for you and I completely agree what this article says I’ve been married to my husband for 11 years and he has cheated on me so many times I’ve lost count I don’t even know why I stayed so long and accepted it little by little every broken down to become somebody I don’t even recognize I was a strong independent woman is a good career raising two girls and I was just fine on my own and I let him in and you turn my world upside down the first time I put it behind me and forgave him and made myself never to bring it up he went to prison for 4 years and I was loyal and by his side he came home he did it all over again I’ve lost everything my home my job MyHealth Saint Bernard to my best friend he was always there for me and now my husband is in prison again he make sure before he leftthat he took everything from me Behind These Prison Walls staking for my forgiveness and promising you said new man same breath he still cheating on me from there trying me to convince me I’m the only woman he wants and he’s sorry and at the same time telling a 20 year old female he wants to be with her and start a family I’m 47 our marriage of 11 years was a lie and I just can’t understand why he just didn’t let me go a long time ago I’m bruised but not broken and I’m trying like hell to get myself up off the floor and get myself together and move on. So thank you for that article I need it

  4. Your summary, “please don’t cheat on someone you love,” is exactly what you don’t want to accept. They didn’t cheat on someone they loved, because as you said, you don’t do that to someone you love. Maybe you need to accept that the one who cheated on you didn’t love you. I get that you wanted to believe they loved you. You built a relationship on that premise, but you need to change your premise. Accepting that they never loved you is painful, but healing when you have accepted it.
    Truly you will evaluate love differently in the future, but if you look back in your relationship, there were warning signs from the start that you chose to ignore. In essence that betrayal we did to ourselves by ignoring those signals is hard to accept. However, you can grow from that and learn to not ignore signals about their character that we wish weren’t true.

  5. it feels like someone put their hand in your chest and ripped your heart out…and when they repeat it, you end up an empty shell with no response when they accuse you of having no self confidence. Well, duh!

  6. This has happen to me just recently after being with some one for 5 yrs…. And yes! He doesn’t care how much he hurts me by his actions…he is enjoying his life…

  7. When they put you in the same position of doubting your self worth. And no matter how much you tried to fix, change or figure out what is wrong, they were already gone. Before. So no, it isn’t the nicest thing to do, but when the situation isn’t working and they don’t work at the relationship when you ask, beg and plead…they cannot act the martyr, as bad as they made you feel, before you opted for someone else. They chose to treat you badly, whose to blame? Cheating goes many ways, when you play with someone’s heart, denying them your love, you cheated them. When they then prefer to let you go, without any discussion or make an effort, you were already being pushed out the door.
    Everyone has the same first thought on cheating. Sneaking around, behind the other persons back, doing things they know nothing about. However this isn’t always the case. The story told may be, but if you weren’t there, in the relationship you don’t know.
    Many aspects to relationships and cheating is only one of them.
    -lack of communication
    -uninterested in you
    -no more compassion
    -lacking in attitude (in many things)
    -nothing nice to say
    -attitude towards you, friends and family
    These are only a few, once this happens in a relationship, it’s only a matter of time before one/other looks elsewhere.
    I wasn’t cheated on, and before I made the choice to find someone that wanted me, I wanted to end my life. For my significant other meant the world to me, I was still butterflies and excited for him to get home. Only to be let down over and over. No fighting, no real issues, he just didn’t love me any longer. That killed me.
    I guess we hurt the ones we love. 💙

  8. I agree to an extent but in some cases they do love you & do think of you during tne act. I think it’s tbeir sub-conscious telling their conscious. In my case my man was going thru a severe mid-life crisis but I had to walk away as trust & honesty is foremost. A long story short, after being separated for 6mth or more we then caught up for the 1st time for a no strings only friends dinner whereby after our meal he fell down to his knees & proposed. I actually said, “no” however he said he wasn’t naccepting no for an answer. We married in 6 months. I was still paranoid but he understood & said I could check his mobile, go thru his emails, check pockets, wallets, whatever as he had nothing to hide. He reasured me often & made a ritual to kiss & say I love you every morning & nite. So grateful we did as you can forget in our busy lives. He died suddenly last year 😢

  9. How can one get over of the hurt?? It’s been 2 years since I said enough to the lie and cheating, but I can’t seem to get over it. I am still angry as hell…

  10. My first husband cheated on me. I kicked him out after the 2nd time and stayed single for several years. When I met my 2nd husband, I thought he wouldn’t never cheat on me. And he didn’t….. for 31 years. Then a piece of trailer trash half his age offered him a good time in bed. There was a one day fling while I was out of town for the day. I not only had my heart ripped out but she was in my house. About a month after it happened, I made out a list of questions that I needed answers to (no visuals). When I told him we needed to sit down and talk, he said “Again??”. I told him that was not the right thing to say. We sat and he answered all my questions and told me I could read his emails, check his cell phone and do whatever it took to prove he wasn’t cheating. It took me weeks but I was finally able to move on with him. It’s now been several months of working hard to restore what we had for so many years. I’m glad I let him stay, but it’ll be a very long time before I can fully trust him again. By the way, I also made him apologize to both my adult children and he did so within a week.

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