If you keep choosing the wrong people in your relationships, read this:
The majority of people have experienced choosing the wrong person to be in a relationship with at least once in their life. That’s nothing unusual. However, if you consistently go after people who are just not right for you and seem to keep finding yourself in unhealthy relationships, then perhaps it’s time to take a step back and look at the root cause of the problem.
Are you afraid of being single?
No one wants to die alone, but if the idea of being single for any amount of time fills you with dread, then you don’t have a healthy attitude to dating or relationships. It’s okay to be single. The time you spend as single person is when you have the best opportunity to really get to know yourself. Constantly needing someone to give you attention, to distract you from feeling alone, or to give you a purpose isn’t a healthy foundation for any relationship. If you can learn to be comfortable by yourself without being in a relationship, you’ll find your love life will see serious improvement because you’re not jumping at the first opportunity for a relationship that you come across.
Do you need a person to complete you?
If you feel like you need a person to make you whole, to fill a void, or to complete you, the harsh truth is that you are not in the least bit ready for a healthy relationship. You don’t have a healthy relationship with yourself. It is vitally important for any lasting, loving, healthy relationship between people to be built on a solid foundation of trust, respect, effort and honesty. It’s also important that the two people involved are happy and secure with themselves individually. If you don’t value yourself, if you don’t respect, or love, or even trust yourself, then how can you ever expect to have all of that with someone else? Until you learn to be happy alone and become comfortable with the idea that you are all you need and that you alone are enough, you will find it exceptionally difficult to find and maintain a healthy and loving relationship with someone else. No one wants to die alone, but if you let that fear stop you from being enough for yourself, then it’s far more likely that you eventually will.
Do you crave someone you can fix?
This is something that is all too common, perhaps fuelled by the idealistic romances we see play out in movies and TV series and books. Many of us have a natural instinct to nurture and heal, to look after someone. It makes us feel needed. If you seek out people with problems so that you can make them whole, you’re in for a bad time. A person who has issues can ultimately only be fixed or helped by one person: themselves. You will not fix them. All that will happen is that they will drag you down with them. We all have issues, and relationships can be a brilliant source of emotional support – but in the end its up to us as individuals to work out our problems ourselves. Focus on finding someone who has a healthy relationship with themselves and watch your relationship blossom.
Are your standards too low?
This can be a tough question to ask yourself, but it’s an important one. If you set your standards for a partner too low, you’re going to have a stream of partners that are wrong for you. In order to find a person that’s right for you, you have to think about exactly what you want in them. Someone kind, thoughtful, genuine – whatever it is you want from a relationship. If the only criteria they have to meet is the ability to make you laugh or be earning a certain amount of money, don’t be surprised when you have shallow relationships with shallow people.
Do you get caught up in the rush of a new relationship?
The ‘shallow end’ of a relationship – the first few months to a year – are often the most exciting. Everything is new; everything is a rush. The passion and chemistry flow freely and the fire burns hot. The feeling this produces is addictive. It’s a rush of serotonin in your brain. Some people find that they can’t bear it when their relationship begins to ramp down over time and the love becomes a smouldering glow. The thing is that this is perfectly natural. It isn’t possible for a relationship to burn with the intensity that it does at first forever – it would be exhausting. A flame that bright and hot isn’t sustainable. If you let yourself get addicted to the rush, you’ll never be happy with anyone. The key isn’t to find someone who you’ll have that red-hot flame with forever, but to find the right person to let yourself settle into a loving, mutually appreciative long-term relationship with. Someone with whom from time to time you can stoke the fire and watch the love and passion and intensity flare up all over again. If you’re lucky, you’ll find yourself falling in love with the same person all over again throughout your relationship. Falling in love is easy. Loving someone for the long term is a choice.
Are you really ready to commit to someone?
Committing to a relationship, especially one that you want to last for life, is extremely difficult work. It takes an incredible level of trust, honesty and respect from both partners. There will bedisagreements and you won’t always see eye-to-eye. Making the decision to commit to someone in this way isn’t one that should be taken lightly. If there’s anything you want to do that would be hindered by a committed relationship, make sure you do it before you press the button.
Traveling, sexual adventure, career, moving countries – whatever it is, do it first. Better to live with no regrets than to wake up one day distraught at the life you could have lived.
Written by Maverick, Staff writer