If He Wanted To Be With You, He Would Be With You.

It’s a hard pill to swallow. But the truth is going to heal your heart a lot faster than simply letting it break over and over until you finally face what you knew all along anyway:

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

There are a million possible scenarios here. It’s easier when he’s an asshole – selfish, only thinking of himself, using you to make someone else jealous, using you in general, treating you poorly, crushing you thoughtlessly, whatever. But it’s a lot harder when he’s a good guy, and you still have to let him go. When he tells you that you’re an incredible person, but he just doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Or when he really likes you, but doesn’t think you’re the one. Or when he just doesn’t feel as strongly as you do and he wants to be honest. Or when he can’t seem to make up his mind and feels confused, which he doesn’t yet realize just means that he’s afraid of hurting you, that feeling ‘confused’ just a softer way of eventually saying ‘no.’ If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t have had to make up his mind in the first place. It would just be an answer that he felt deeply in his gut.

But regardless, whether he’s a wonderful guy or an asshole or somewhere in between, this is about you, moving on. Because no matter what the situation was, no matter how well he treated you or how much fun you had together or how well you got along, he doesn’t want to be with you. And that’s the truth. And that’s going to be your life raft for the next several weeks or months, no matter how much you don’t want to grab onto it. It is what is going to eventually help you come to peace with the end of your relationship, or the fizzling out of your fling, or the ‘no more talking’ after you guys spent so much time ‘talking.’ It is the truth, and as ugly as it is, it will be the only thing that can help you move on:

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

It’s easy to try to soften the blow. He needs time, or he just needs a little space, or he’s just afraid of commitment and I just need to reassure him, or he builds walls and it’s my job to kick through them.

But think about the way you feel about him. How easy and natural and obvious it feels. How you don’t even need to question whether or not you should be with him, because it just feels right in your veins. How, even if you were scared of committing to someone or getting hurt or opening yourself up, you were still willing to do it, because your heart had already made up your mind. You wanted to be with him, so you were. The decision was simple. It really wasn’t even a decision at all.

Now can you imagine feeling all those things but choosing not to be with him anyway?

That’s why your heart is broken. Because he didn’t feel those things. He didn’t feel that same certainty that you did, deep in your bones. And you can’t change that, and you can’t fix yourself, and there’s nothing you did wrong. It’s just the truth. His heart didn’t make the decision for his brain, because his heart is in a different place from yours. And that really, really sucks. And you just have to accept it. And that sucks even more.

Maybe you’ll get over this in weeks, maybe months. Maybe longer. It will hurt, some days will be horrible and some will be okay. But the smallest of silver linings is this: you can let your heart break once – instead of breaking it a million times by convincing yourself that he’s making a mistake or he probably misses you or you should call him. Love yourself enough to be hard on yourself:

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

Written by Kim Quindlen

This article was originally published in thoughtcatalog.com

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  1. I needed to read this tonight. Struggling with the divorce from my husband after 27 years of marriage. To say it hurts us the ultimate understatement. It’s agony, excruciating pain.

  2. Thank you to the person who wrote this. I read it and think i will most defiantly be hard on myself. If i may add….. it is what it is…..

  3. Why is it always about whether “he” wants to be with you? Why do we put so much of the dating game in the hands of men? It really is sometimes that a guy is selfish, non committal, or even just looking for a hotter girl. They, (men) need to own up to their flawed logic and realize that maybe they should be trying to learn a little from a woman, opening their heart more often, putting themselves in our shoes. Maybe it is because women try more and are “willing” that we feel so much. It’s about time we stop making excuses like “if he wanted to be with you he would.” No, he’s not ready for you, he’s not enlightened enough yet, more like!

  4. This is so true. You feel like the world is ending,but it’s not. I’ve been there. But there will be someone else. Someone even better. And, you never really forget someone,you truly loved. Time just helps, get over them,and on with your life. I’m interested in a gentleman,but I’ve finally learned, to pull back on the reins. He seems interested,but I’m letting him make the moves. I don’t want to rush into anything. I want to make sure, he is really interested. Life, and love,are strange,but so great,when it all works out. Hang in there. There are brighter days ahead!

  5. after 43 years my husband wanted out…talk about pain..its like he died but he is still walking the earth…hurt so bad…hard to move on…but slowly healing….divorced now 3yrs…once in a while the hurt still creeps in….have to b strong….

  6. I’ve been reading this every day as a reminder. My heart just won’t listen to my brain. I can’t wait until I can look back and realize that I didn’t need to be with him.

  7. Feeling the misery every single day. Thought I was finally blessed to find someone who was meaningful to me and that I fall in love with him completely… only to find myself in excruciating. I hope he miss me and will come back. I know that it will never happen. My mind tells me ain’t coming back but my heart won’t let go. Agony, pretending that I’m ok and trying to hide my true feelings from others so that I don’t have to let them worry. I confide my tears even when I want to cry. I want to move on.

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