If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

It’s a hard pill to swallow. But the truth is going to heal your heart a lot faster than simply letting it break over and over until you finally face what you knew all along anyway:

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

There are a million possible scenarios here. It’s easier when he’s an asshole – selfish, only thinking of himself, using you to make someone else jealous, using you in general, treating you poorly, crushing you thoughtlessly, whatever. But it’s a lot harder when he’s a good guy, and you still have to let him go. When he tells you that you’re an incredible person, but he just doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Or when he really likes you, but doesn’t think you’re the one. Or when he just doesn’t feel as strongly as you do and he wants to be honest. Or when he can’t seem to make up his mind and feels confused, which he doesn’t yet realize just means that he’s afraid of hurting you, that feeling ‘confused’ just a softer way of eventually saying ‘no.’ If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t have had to make up his mind in the first place. It would just be an answer that he felt deeply in his gut.

But regardless, whether he’s a wonderful guy or an asshole or somewhere in between, this is about you, moving on. Because no matter what the situation was, no matter how well he treated you or how much fun you had together or how well you got along, he doesn’t want to be with you. And that’s the truth. And that’s going to be your life raft for the next several weeks or months, no matter how much you don’t want to grab onto it. It is what is going to eventually help you come to peace with the end of your relationship, or the fizzling out of your fling, or the ‘no more talking’ after you guys spent so much time ‘talking.’ It is the truth, and as ugly as it is, it will be the only thing that can help you move on:

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

It’s easy to try to soften the blow. He needs time, or he just needs a little space, or he’s just afraid of commitment and I just need to reassure him, or he builds walls and it’s my job to kick through them.

But think about the way you feel about him. How easy and natural and obvious it feels. How you don’t even need to question whether or not you should be with him, because it just feels right in your veins. How, even if you were scared of committing to someone or getting hurt or opening yourself up, you were still willing to do it, because your heart had already made up your mind. You wanted to be with him, so you were. The decision was simple. It really wasn’t even a decision at all.

Now can you imagine feeling all those things but choosing not to be with him anyway?

That’s why your heart is broken. Because he didn’t feel those things. He didn’t feel that same certainty that you did, deep in your bones. And you can’t change that, and you can’t fix yourself, and there’s nothing you did wrong. It’s just the truth. His heart didn’t make the decision for his brain, because his heart is in a different place from yours. And that really, really sucks. And you just have to accept it. And that sucks even more.

Maybe you’ll get over this in weeks, maybe months. Maybe longer. It will hurt, some days will be horrible and some will be okay. But the smallest of silver linings is this: you can let your heart break once – instead of breaking it a million times by convincing yourself that he’s making a mistake or he probably misses you or you should call him. Love yourself enough to be hard on yourself:

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

Written by Kim Quindlen

This article was originally published in thoughtcatalog.com

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  1. Yeah it also works replacing the he with she!!!
    Identical situation gender doesn’t matter when it comes to the passionate heart and heartbreak!
    Hurts just the same and it comes across, “at least to me” harder because I have always thought of a woman/women. As the more compassionate ones!

  2. This is an excellent article & so totally true. If someone loves you, they feel no hesitation in the relationship. You can’t make someone love you – they either do or they don’t. It’s their heart & their choice – if you push it hard enough, you might think you have won, but it will only be temporary & you will be facing the same heartache down the road when your feelings will probably be even stronger. You have to force yourself to walk away. I’m not in this situation now (thank God!), but I have been & this advice would have helped immensely. I am keeping this to send it to the next friend or relative who finds themselves in this unenviable position. Thank you!

  3. I’m so lost an confused an just can’t explain how I fill I’ve been with this man for 15 yrs an have 5 kids with him he’s hit me his family has he’s left me in the streets threw all my stuff in the road all that I owned he puts me down says I’m worthless that I should just finish killing myself an he’s just to much an I’m stupid cause he says it will get better that he needs to sobar up an he don’t I’m scared if I leave he will over do it an I dont want it to b my fault but I can’t take it anymore I just want to die an ughhh I dont know what to do😭😩

  4. No!!!!!!
    It will pass it will get better!! Leave and start a new life even if it means moving away! Killing youreelf is a permanent solution to a temporary problem!!! That’s is a dark place to be and trust me I’ve been there! Yes and I’m a man!!! No one understands how that place is and how this is not about yourself!!! unless they have been there themselves!!! That is that darkest and the worse place to be, but trust me! From a man who has been there after loosing it all!! Get up!! Do that everyday and it’s not going to be easy!!! You can and will start seeing the light I swear!! Tomorrow not only can be a better day it will be as long as the world has you!!!

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