If he wanted to be with you he would be with you.

It’s a hard pill to swallow. But the truth is going to heal your heart a lot faster than simply letting it break over and over until you finally face what you knew all along anyway:

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

There are a million possible scenarios here. It’s easier when he’s an asshole – selfish, only thinking of himself, using you to make someone else jealous, using you in general, treating you poorly, crushing you thoughtlessly, whatever. But it’s a lot harder when he’s a good guy, and you still have to let him go. When he tells you that you’re an incredible person, but he just doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Or when he really likes you, but doesn’t think you’re the one. Or when he just doesn’t feel as strongly as you do and he wants to be honest. Or when he can’t seem to make up his mind and feels confused, which he doesn’t yet realize just means that he’s afraid of hurting you, that feeling ‘confused’ just a softer way of eventually saying ‘no.’ If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t have had to make up his mind in the first place. It would just be an answer that he felt deeply in his gut.

But regardless, whether he’s a wonderful guy or an asshole or somewhere in between, this is about you, moving on. Because no matter what the situation was, no matter how well he treated you or how much fun you had together or how well you got along, he doesn’t want to be with you. And that’s the truth. And that’s going to be your life raft for the next several weeks or months, no matter how much you don’t want to grab onto it. It is what is going to eventually help you come to peace with the end of your relationship, or the fizzling out of your fling, or the ‘no more talking’ after you guys spent so much time ‘talking.’ It is the truth, and as ugly as it is, it will be the only thing that can help you move on:

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

It’s easy to try to soften the blow. He needs time, or he just needs a little space, or he’s just afraid of commitment and I just need to reassure him, or he builds walls and it’s my job to kick through them.

But think about the way you feel about him. How easy and natural and obvious it feels. How you don’t even need to question whether or not you should be with him, because it just feels right in your veins. How, even if you were scared of committing to someone or getting hurt or opening yourself up, you were still willing to do it, because your heart had already made up your mind. You wanted to be with him, so you were. The decision was simple. It really wasn’t even a decision at all.

Now can you imagine feeling all those things but choosing not to be with him anyway?

That’s why your heart is broken. Because he didn’t feel those things. He didn’t feel that same certainty that you did, deep in your bones. And you can’t change that, and you can’t fix yourself, and there’s nothing you did wrong. It’s just the truth. His heart didn’t make the decision for his brain, because his heart is in a different place from yours. And that really, really sucks. And you just have to accept it. And that sucks even more.

Maybe you’ll get over this in weeks, maybe months. Maybe longer. It will hurt, some days will be horrible and some will be okay. But the smallest of silver linings is this: you can let your heart break once – instead of breaking it a million times by convincing yourself that he’s making a mistake or he probably misses you or you should call him. Love yourself enough to be hard on yourself:

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

Written by Kim Quindlen (with permission)

This article was originally published in thoughtcatalog.com

Related Articles


  1. Thats the truth. I am the guy and it is exactly what is happened between us. Hurts like hell and i cant cope with it. Its been 2 weeks and getting rven harder by day. She doesn’t eant or cant make her mind and i am the one who’s suffering. Dont know if i still should text and call, just give her some time or forget her. So confused and frustrated. I feel so naive and horrible about myself. Have i done something wrong. She says no. I am the perfect guy whi she cant be with. Sick as hell…i hate this. Its not fair

  2. Basically, I stay with the statement that you never let go as long as you love and hope. Hope should be kept forever, but as far as relationships are concerned, it can not be maintained forever if the other person seem not interested,…so it will become less by time. No I have never felt like calling someone an asshole (even if the person has left me) and I do not intend to.
    I’ve been trying the best I could, but maybe I´m just not good enough. I will continue to try as far as my powers allow until the person completely blurs their tracks and the connections are broken, then I do not need to let go because the ropes have been cut.
    Love can be so difficult, so many misunderstandings, even worse online, so as I already said, I will also slowly stop searching online help…you are all so kind and helpful I know, but if it is about love it shoul be about two people and nobody else.

  3. You are good enough.As what I read on your post.May be not ideal, but good enough – yes, for sure.Be kind to yourself first.Respect it, everything you have to give to your special one.May they deserve it also!Sometimes their part in the process is by earning that respect.If they do not act as being a part of the “process”, then something has to change.Either they have to see a value so they put an effort in earning it, (your value, you have to be the person who they have to deserve), ..or the process should be revaluated itself, who’s who?Who respects, who is being respected and by what reasons.For me everything is a matter of respect.With a different outcome for the different relationships.

  4. I have read hundreds of articles on this topic and this was the one that put it right up in my face – If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you……. I especially related to the paragraph on how natural and easy my feelings for him are…. I don’t even have to think about it…. But for him it’s not like that….. I can actually accept the fact that he doesn’t want to be in the relationship, so he left on friendly terms…. it’s just hard for me to accept that for three months he has had no contact with me at all. Didn’t I mean anything at all to him?? It hurts like hell. Thanks for this great article though.

  5. Yes. How can he tell you he loves you and then just a couple days later push you away again. Painful. I knew it was probably inevitable but I wanted to keep it going until I was stronger and ready to deal with it. Probably wouldn’t have helped though. I just miss everything sooo much and can’t even think of one thing to look forward to. It’s hard to even get out of bed and take a shower. Nothing helps.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Back to top button
%d bloggers like this: