If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

It’s a hard pill to swallow. But the truth is going to heal your heart a lot faster than simply letting it break over and over until you finally face what you knew all along anyway:

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

There are a million possible scenarios here. It’s easier when he’s an asshole – selfish, only thinking of himself, using you to make someone else jealous, using you in general, treating you poorly, crushing you thoughtlessly, whatever. But it’s a lot harder when he’s a good guy, and you still have to let him go. When he tells you that you’re an incredible person, but he just doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Or when he really likes you, but doesn’t think you’re the one. Or when he just doesn’t feel as strongly as you do and he wants to be honest. Or when he can’t seem to make up his mind and feels confused, which he doesn’t yet realize just means that he’s afraid of hurting you, that feeling ‘confused’ just a softer way of eventually saying ‘no.’ If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t have had to make up his mind in the first place. It would just be an answer that he felt deeply in his gut.

But regardless, whether he’s a wonderful guy or an asshole or somewhere in between, this is about you, moving on. Because no matter what the situation was, no matter how well he treated you or how much fun you had together or how well you got along, he doesn’t want to be with you. And that’s the truth. And that’s going to be your life raft for the next several weeks or months, no matter how much you don’t want to grab onto it. It is what is going to eventually help you come to peace with the end of your relationship, or the fizzling out of your fling, or the ‘no more talking’ after you guys spent so much time ‘talking.’ It is the truth, and as ugly as it is, it will be the only thing that can help you move on:

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

It’s easy to try to soften the blow. He needs time, or he just needs a little space, or he’s just afraid of commitment and I just need to reassure him, or he builds walls and it’s my job to kick through them.

But think about the way you feel about him. How easy and natural and obvious it feels. How you don’t even need to question whether or not you should be with him, because it just feels right in your veins. How, even if you were scared of committing to someone or getting hurt or opening yourself up, you were still willing to do it, because your heart had already made up your mind. You wanted to be with him, so you were. The decision was simple. It really wasn’t even a decision at all.

Now can you imagine feeling all those things but choosing not to be with him anyway?

That’s why your heart is broken. Because he didn’t feel those things. He didn’t feel that same certainty that you did, deep in your bones. And you can’t change that, and you can’t fix yourself, and there’s nothing you did wrong. It’s just the truth. His heart didn’t make the decision for his brain, because his heart is in a different place from yours. And that really, really sucks. And you just have to accept it. And that sucks even more.

Maybe you’ll get over this in weeks, maybe months. Maybe longer. It will hurt, some days will be horrible and some will be okay. But the smallest of silver linings is this: you can let your heart break once – instead of breaking it a million times by convincing yourself that he’s making a mistake or he probably misses you or you should call him. Love yourself enough to be hard on yourself:

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

Written by Kim Quindlen (with permission)

This article was originally published in thoughtcatalog.com

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  1. Thank you for this! I am 62yo and should know better…I guess….I have to keep going over this kind of stuff to get me convinced….I thought he loved me as much. I thought I could trust him as he is a Methodist Minister. I loved him for a year, but, I was only as his Booty call !!!!! He now has someone new. He choose her because of her wealth! Money can’t buy you love !!!!

  2. I have had to build a wall around my heart to keep it from breaking. Now I never believe what any one says. I don’t think I can trust anyone
    My husband and my children all have lied so much
    I don’t believe what anyone tells me

  3. Not judging. Lord knows I’ve made many bad decisions and I was married 25 years and divorced since 2000. Oh I’m your age. Again no judgement but he was a Methodist Minister and wanted you just for sex? Now already he’s moved on to next booty calls after you were with him for a year! You’re so lucky to be rid of him! This is a great article that all women need to read! Don’t feel too bad…..we all have “should have known better” moments! Live and learn…..

  4. Only one advice :
    Please dont blame yourself Or just her, because you do not know the complete story. Its all your assumption on what you know or read and interpret. And when you dont want to communicate or approach then this cannot be helped now.

    Truth is, she did hate you but until she knew the fact years later through your diary. whatever you did is all a past and influenced by ill will of many.

    So now you know destiny is very powerful.

    If you ever loved her, or love her even now and wish her well being please do NOT
    1) Cry at all…
    2) Feel Bad
    3) Criticise anyone, yes not anyone.

    Please just dont do anything, but only PRAY. Yes, everything will be fine. I am sure. Give some time and be calm. Your prayers will show you the way. Until then feel well, and take care so you get started for a new life.

    1. I know you once hated her, dint want to talk to her or felt she is too much to bear. But was this not part of your love and frustation ? did you not understand her for what you heard or came across. Then why repeat the same mistake. Why cant you understand the complete story and then take a decision especially when blaming someone and their intent ?

  5. Fear is true. Because of the recent events especially there is a constant fear of what would happen next in my life.

    Years ago I accepted someone into my life in a HOLY place we went together very truthfully and soulfully. But fate had decided something else. The “someone” I loved did not accept our relationship same way, he rather used that meeting to cut me off his life at the same moment whereas I decided to make him part of my life. Ha ! what a coincidence.

    Till today I have not understood why we met ever and why the hell i am meeting him again now. I need time to understand all that happening. I am keeping alone, to get myself some peace and answers to what is planned for me.

    If I were wrong, God wont spare me. But If I am truthful to him, God will never leave me dangling like this. But I cannot prove anything, because I am helpless.

  6. Oh god, everything becoming messy. I dint mean so. I am very bad in writing i think.
    not blaming him but i dont know how to set things right. I m willing to talk and tell him so he knows what he needs. I m.not cheating him but i only want him HAPPY. Would he understand?

  7. I know how you felt. I have seen this in his eyes exactly when i was his friend. He dint say anything but i read it all. People spoke about him said he ll not take you but i dint care. I really wanted him to be happy.
    When he requested me to leave saying ” tbe wound is here” he was pointing to his heart and that broke me.
    From then i never disturbed him because i realised what he meant. He meant i had wounded him badly. I felt so unworthy and decided to do Watever pleased him. Because i have seen him in pain and he felt it was me who caused. It was not the time to justify myself, tell him truth because i was so stuck and could not talk.
    But years later now he suspects me, my intent and feels i m doing everything to cheat him. I dont understand how to sort out. How to explain what happened. I have no idea. May be i ll never be able to. I m trying to help but he gets angry. I tell him something he reads something. I better go away. He get peace.

  8. Is it any possible that you can talk to her once.
    As yourself, just once. Whatever it is.
    Even you want to scold her or show her doors or pour out your heart or atleast once try solving or hearing. Won’t it be far better than today.
    It will be between you both its a promise from God, from me.

  9. Please sir dont cry. Its not worth it. Lets pray. I hope you will get what you want. I hope i get some strength again to live to face anything.

  10. My Mother introduced me to this rule, and I passed it on to my children: —If it isn’t right for one; it isn’t right for either…— This one phrase has helped us all through tragic breakups and heartaches. And, just about everyone will go through at least one in his/her lifetime.

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