I do not help my wife.

I do not help my wife.

A friend came to my house for coffee, we sat and talked about life. At some point in the conversation, I said, “I’m going to wash the dishes and I’ll be right back.”

He looked at me as if I had told him I was going to build a space rocket. Then he said to me with admiration but a little perplexed: “I’m glad you help your wife, I do not help because when I do, my wife does not praise me. Last week I washed the floor and no thanks.”

I went back to sit with him and explained that I did not “help” my wife. Actually, my wife does not need help, she needs a partner. I am a partner at home and through that society are divided functions, but it is not a “help” to do household chores.

I do not help my wife clean the house because I live here too and I need to clean it too.

I do not help my wife to cook because I also want to eat and I need to cook too.

I do not help my wife wash the dishes after eating because I also use those dishes.

I do not help my wife with her children because they are also my children and my job is to be a father.

I do not help my wife to wash, spread or fold clothes, because the clothes are also mine and my children.

I am not a help at home, I am part of the house. And as for praising, I asked my friend when it was the last time after his wife finished cleaning the house, washing clothes, changing bed sheets, bathing her children, cooking, organizing, etc. You said thank you

But a thank you of the type: Wow, sweetheart !!! You are fantastic!!!

Does that seem absurd to you? Are you looking strange? When you, once in a lifetime, cleaned the floor, you expected in the least, a prize of excellence with great glory … why? You never thought about that, my friend?

Maybe because for you, the macho culture has shown that everything is her job.

Perhaps you have been taught that all this must be done without having to move a finger? Then praise her as you wanted to be praised, in the same way, with the same intensity. Give her a hand, behave like a true companion, not as a guest who only comes to eat, sleep, bathe and satisfy needs … Feel at home. In his house.

The real change of our society begins in our homes, let us teach our sons and daughters the real sense of fellowship! ”

Written by John Hoxie

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  1. Oh my god whyI did Not see this before. All men who expect their partners to do everything read this.

  2. Crap, no mention of if he is sharing the housework 50/50 or some portion because his wife also works or just helping out sometimes to be considerate. Women will take this as a sign that everything should be 50/50 when life is not so black and white. What happens if the husband works and the wife doesn’t? How do you decide on shared responsibilities then?

    1. It seems you want it to be 50/50, not so much that you’re worried about what the wife wants. I work, and I work less than my spouse, but we still split 50/50 (for the most part). Have you ever been home with a kid (or multiple kids) all day? Well that in itself is a full time job. Some can multi task and cook and clean while caring for kids, but if the husband can’t do that himself, he shouldn’t expect his wife to do so. If a husband and wife want a more traditional relationship, than a man should provide plenty for his wife so she can still dream and pursue her own goals, because she is supporting him through his own by taking on the load at home. Why should a woman be dog tired at the end of the day after doing nothing for herself? Why should only a man have the time set aside for him to work (aka dream and pursue goals) and do whatever else he needs to while taking care of himself….?

    2. Marriage isn’t 50/50. Its more like 110/110….. you have to be willing to give all you have, than a little more. If you come home from work and she had a horrible day home with the kids, you have to be willing to step in, and step up. Just as she has to be willing to get up with the kids in the middle of the night because you have to go to work the next day. When my husband was working 13 days on, 1 day off I did EVERYTHING! I realized he was working his butt off to support OUR family, so I did too. So on his one day off, he could rest and enjoy our little time together.But now that our kids are grown and I’m working full time again, should it be 50/50? No, still 110/110….HAS to be. Otherwise, you are shooting for failure.

    3. He’s not saying 50/50. Where did you read about it? You’re missing his point. It’s about the mentality of “men helping around the house”; it implies that household stuff are all women territory and responsibility. Men is part of the house; no such thing as helping…

  3. That’s the problem right there Anthony. A wife does work in the house while her husband is at his job out of the house. A wife cooks 3 meals a day,vacuums the floors, polishes the furniture, washes the windows, does multiple loads of laundry (washing,drying,folding and putting away),ironing,making the beds, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the kitchen,making sure the kids have their lunches, getting them off to school and also seeing the hubby off with everything he needs,getting kids homework done, school projects and activities and god forbid anyone gets sick because then it is a 24 hour job at that point while the hubby likes to nap when he gets home or relax becuase he put in a full 8 hours, the wife?mom can’t. You must be of the opinion that a wife must be bare foot and pregnant with that response ” Women will take this as a sign that everything should be 50/50 when life is not so black and white. What happens if the husband works and the wife doesn’t? ” Open your eyes and see what your wife accomplishes every day and done assume she is not “working”.

  4. Thank you.

    This has sparked a change in my train of thought, I never considered things from this aspect. I wish I read this along time ago.

    I need to make changes to the person I am, to become a better husband, a real partner and better father.

    The first thing to do is sincerely apologise to my wife. I love her and my family. Without them life is not worth living.

    Please forgive me. I love you.

  5. Debbie,

    I do not think that is what Anthony meant. A lot of men work longer than 8 hrs whilst their wife stays at home to look after the household, then they come home, help out with the kids, do household chores etc. when the weekend rolls around, they are then expected to do their 50% of the work you described above (that has apparently been ‘saved up during the week???’), plus mow the lawn, fix things around the house, all whilst looking after the kids because their wife needs a break. Seems like a 24/7 job for the men to me.

    It seems that in this age of equality, it is men who are overloaded and all we hear is how hard the women have it and how we men should be doing a load of the work that was supposed to be done whilst we are at our jobs. Then expected to come home and do a whole range of other tasks that are supposedly man tasks. And then further relieve our wives on the weekend and any other moment so they can have some downtime. When are the men supposed to have downtime without fear of resentment that they aren’t pulling their weight due to attitudes like the above?

    Exactly as Anthony said. Things are not always black and white.

    1. How many hours do you work a week? Somewhere between 40-60?

      How many hours does the stay at home parent do?
      Somwhere between 115-130 hours a week.

      Do you get to go use the bathroom at your leisure, in private, uninterrupted? Are you able to eat your lunch usually. Do you get some quiet time on the commute home? Are you able to catch up on funny articles and Facebook during a couple of minutes of down time. Most probably you answered yes to all of those. Stay st home parents don’t have these normal little breaks. They have to be alert and constantly satisfying a child’s need. It is a very demanding role and takes its toll daily. While already doing a full time job of minding children (nannies only watch kids they don’t clean your house) they are expected to also keep a house clean while the child plays and destroys it throughout the day. And cook them their meals.

      There is no way to split things 50:50
      And the article never made that claim. But to claim the men are the overworked ones is a bit dramatic and it makes me feel bad for your wife.

  6. Part of the issue is that once men stopped going out to kill the food and bring it home, the roles should have begun to change then and not 100 years ago.

    Men ran every thing including government. Today only 5% of women run the government.

    It will take tome and sharing to get it where it should be.

    But don’t wait. Keep pushing.


  7. I think what Anthony is trying to say in this context is that the economic contributions should be equitable. Not always 50/50 but a close compromise. There is a value added by not having childcare and not ordering takeout. That actually has both a measurable and “soft” value. A man that works full time and long hours bringing home a good living and also contributes 50% to all housework will feelntaken advantage of (I mean wouldn’t you?) especially after the kids are off to school. So that economic values has to come from somewhere.
    But both working… you there is no “helping” it’s just doing your part and… lest we forget this isn’t always a gender specific issue. I know first hand.

  8. I can relate to so much of what is being said here. My husband works a high stress job, makes good money, likes to help cook and does a descent job helping clean up the kitchen. He cuts the grass and takes the kids to give me a break (sometimes). And I am busy, throughout the night sometimes, with multiple babies/kids up, and doing ALL it takes to keep the house running throughout the week. Our kids don’t watch TV. I don’t believe in it so it’s full time, full on for BOTH of us.

    We don’t have parents who step in once a week, or even once a month. It’s not possible. The real trouble is that all though we have a great friend circle, we don’t have a community of people sharing the responsibility of caring for children. I dream about a place where kids could run free, from TeePee to TeePee, or porch to porch, and the neighborhood families would keep an eye on them, feed them if they’re hungry, pass out a bandaid, or water or whatever. Know what I mean?

  9. Thanks Guys for backing me up. Yes, that is what I meant. My wife would be the first to say that I am overworked and she is not. I also take my children to all their after school events and any extracurricular activities as well as any school birthday parties, etc. My kids also go to after school programs so they are home around 6pm school days. I know very well how to raise a child and have been taking care of her since she was a baby. Most days if my wife is busy, I also cook my own food and see about myself when I come home as well as spend some time with my children. Sharing has to be equitable and that should take into consideration “all” work that both parents do and as long as they both agree what is equitable, it makes for a happy family. Of course, there is the occasional moment when you want to do something extra for your wife to show you appreciate some of the household chores, which may seem invisible. A thanks and showing that you notice always helps. As I said, things are not as black and white, we live in a world of gray everywhere.

  10. Everyone is thinking about marriage and partnership as a 50/50 responsibility. However, what I am getting from this article is that each person needs to be giving 100%. The 50/50 mentality will lead to “point tracking” in a relationship and everyone always feels like they are doing more than others because of the value we add to our own time and activities.

    It doesn’t matter if it is the dishes, laundry, bathrooms, kitchen, yard, children or job that need your attention at any given moment. What everyone is eluding to but in different ways is that there are no “woman/wife” or “man/husband” jobs, like was believed in generations past. Truly successful partnerships do everything they can to be there 100% for one another.

    What I need to do a better job of is praising my loving, beautiful, intelligent, supporting bride for the menotinous, thankless, energy draining household work she does everyday. Wives and husbands equally deserve alone time where they can focus on themself to re-energize, work towards personal goals and avoid going “postal” (sorry to any mail carriers).

    Stop worrying about how much you feel you are doing and what you feel your significant other may not be doing and start focusing on how you can show your wife/husband gratitude for all that they are doing.

    Thank you for sharing all! I have learned so much from these comments. Thank you my bride for supporting me and constantly looking for ways for us to work and play together. You are my all!

    1. Love your comment~ Been saying it for years, marriage is 110%/110%. Give all you have, then a little more….. because your LOVE for them is greater than the hate of the task…..

  11. Clint you are absolutely right. Each partner sound give 100 %.

    Taking care of children (even the ones at school) and running a household is no easy task.

    When I worked full time we got to the weekend and nothing was done. Now that I work 2 days a week the other 3 days are spent looking after the kids 100% of the time. When i am not doing school run for my older I am watching my little one and interacting with him, feeding and nappy changes. Most days when my partner comes home the only thing in the house that is clean is the kitchen and the baby. Quite often no meal is cooked until after he gets home and he has never once complained because he understands that it is harder work being at home than at work all day.
    I see my work days as a break compared to my home days and I am a nurse so I would argue that my job is probably alot more stressful than some.
    Everyone needs to respect stay at home mothers because it is a way harder job than most others.
    And on top of everything most mothers are expected to take care of everything once the husband arrives home while he puts his feet up and relaxes.
    It is an unrealistic 1950s way of thinking.
    I thank my partner for beeing such a wonderful Man because he never questions how much I have done. He just does what he can to contribute to the household and the children and then when a few things are out of the way we can both relax together rather than one person working whilst the other watches TV.
    Don’t expect a thank you unless you thank your wife also.

  12. I’m a stay-at-home mom and a freelancer, and my house is a mess, because the little toddler wants me to carry him all the time and the other kid wants my attention and help aswell. when the baby is taking a nap or playing alone, I do my work projects as fast as I can, I am not cleaning or cooking. when my husband comes home, he is cleaning and cooking. because it is hard times when kids are small.

  13. I love this article and it highlights many areas that most don’t realize. I have learned through the years that he has his way and I have my way of doing things. But we both accomplish the task. I’ve seen this become a problem for many because the wife tends to be very critical about how things are done. If it is not her way, then it is done wrong – this is not fair and leads men to stop ‘helping’. Roles are changing, and both sides need to acknowledge positively their partner’s efforts!

  14. Where are the articles about wife helping with pulling the weeds in the front yard? Fixing the broken cupboards, sanding them, and repainting them? Or about helping the husband when his arm is elbow deep in the toilet trying to fix the clog?

    I mean, if this is an article about “household fellowship,” how come it doesn’t talk about the responsibility of every single household member?

    I mean, honestly, are human beings really that oblivious to objectivity? Everyone just so low on moral they need to buy every sentimental article out there to boost their own self-worth and ego?

    Like I’ve said, I’m not singling out anyone. But ask yourself, when was the last time you read an article about “equality” ever mentioning wife helping the husband?

    1. Clifford – that’s what I was thinking as well. I didn’t put that in my post, like that, but I agree with you as far as a Husband has responsibilities as well. I choose to cook, do the dishes and the laundry because I prefer not to mow the lawn, rake, shovel, change the oil, and paint!

    2. Cliff, I can honestly say that there isn’t ONE job (including seating a toilet, painting,enclosed our front porch, MYSELF!, mowing, built a brink wall or climb a ladder and prune a tree) that my husband has done that I haven’t, while I can honestly say he has NEVER cleaned a toilet, written bills out, made a dr appointment, install crown molding, or cleaned up puke….actually I laid the flooring in our bathroom remodel while he watched last summer. So yeah, I get it, but I’m there helping, without him asking……

  15. Clifford- I understand what you are saying. I do think that in my own experience myself and my female friends all work full-time careers and do the vast majority of the house work, childcare and planning (finding sitters, arranging transportation for older children, etc…) not that my husband or theirs don’t contribute, they do. However when it all shakes out the mothers are doing considerably more. I only know of one father who truly shoulders more than his wife. I should also note that economically I bring home double what my husband does both of us working 40hours. My husband and I joke that our marriage is on a one year renewable contract (I say joke because we would never separate over household work) but it reminds us that it shouldn’t be taken for granted. Every year we sit down around our anniversary and check in to be sure the division of labor is still working for the both of us. And if not we renegotiate, ex.this year I don’t do any dishes or take the trash out. Of course I will help him if he needs it but it is his job. Instead I do all of the home repair, outside work, mowing, weeding, trimming and snow removal on our 1 acre fully landscaped yard.
    The work should be divided up evenly but it has to include both indoor and outdoor labor not just what has traditionally been women’s work.

  16. I felt the need to share this with my husband. I work Monday thru Friday, take care of the kids (activities,appointments, etc) laundry, meals, cleaning, mowing, weed wacking, bills, dishes etc. I think it was important to share because sometimes I am very frustrated and tired out. I need to get things done and I watch as he will watch me doing everything and do what he likes doing and complain about how things are done…yet still feels he shouldn’t have to do these thing. If something breaks and needs to be fixed I’m fixing or calling to have it done. He’s just doesn’t like doing any of those things but the fact is I don’t want to do them either but it’s part of being a grown up. Don’t get me wrong I’m not downing other men I fully appreciate the hard work put in and understand his job is physically demanding but this doesn’t mean you can’t contribute to everything else in our home. I’m tired as well but that’s tough. Believe me I will be sharing this with our children too. It should be a burden for all of us. I think I’ve just tried to lift the burden because I used to work less and wanted to alleviate pressure from him, things have changed and we work equally at our jobs contributing the same amount financially yet the other household and yard work has still stayed the same.

  17. First of all I would like to say marriage is not 50/50 or 100/100 all the time. Sometimes it’s 50/50 and sometimes 100/100. Then sometimes it could be 60/40 or even 90/10. That’s how it should be anyway. If you want a true a partnership then you pick up your partner’s slack when they are having a rough time etc… And I’m sure I will get crap from women for this, especially since I am one but I was raised ‘old school’. When your husband gets home supper should be ready or at least in process and his plate should be fixed and brought to him at the table. I completely agree with the old way of running a household. I don’t want to cut grass or take the trash out. And honesty I don’t want my husband touching my clothes because he will dry stuff that shouldn’t be and won’t fold the towels right etc…. But the main thing everyone needs to worry about is you and your spouse and what works for you. Stop looking at everyone else and thinking ‘so and so has such a great husband/wife that always helps out’. That’s where all the problems come in. You focus on your husband/wife and home life and keep your nose out of everyone else’s and I can almost guarantee the divorce rate would go way down. Keep your business off the streets and off Facebook. And for the stay home moms, yes it is a tough and demanding job, BUT, apparently you and your husband chose that life. And also when he gets home from work everyday I’m don’t think the house has to be spotless but at least picked up and keep yourself looking ‘put together’. Don’t let your husband come home everyday to a woman who is constantly bitching and doesn’t try to look nice for him and expect him to continue to come home…… And I’m quite positive I will get ridiculed for this and that’s ok but y’all need to realize everyone has their own opinion and way of doing things

  18. I am the sole income provider and I provide 4-6 hours of assistance/primary care for our baby boy because I also work from home. My wife is a stay at home mom. But I’ve been told this is not good enough, even though I also do at least half of the household chores.

    My boy is only awake for 12 hours a day. Would providing care for half his waking hours AND being the sole income provider so my wife doesn’t have to work be good enough?

    Nobody talks about the burden of the sole income provider. Love to hear your thoughts.


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