To encourage you to keep going.
To remind you to be strong.

Published on March 3, 2017 in Blog1, Picture Quotes
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The woman who has been to hell and back is not easy to love.

Many have tried. Most have failed.

The weak need not attempt, for it will take more strength than you even know you possess; more patience, more resilience, more tenacity, more resolve. It requires a relentless love, one that is determined and not easily defeated.

For the woman who has been to hell and back will push you away. She will test you in her desire to know what you are made of, whether you have what it takes to weather her storm. Because she is unpredictable—at times a hurricane, a force of nature that rides on the fury of her suffering; other times a gentle rain, calm, still and quiet.

When she is the gentle rain that falls in time to her silent tears, love her.

When she is the thunder and lightning and ferocious winds that wreak havoc, love her harder.

She is a contradiction, a pendulum that will forever swing between fear of suffocation and fear of abandonment, and even she will not know how to find the balance between the two. Because today, although she will never tell you, she will feel insecure. She will want you to stay close, to tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss her on her forehead and hold her in the strength of your arms. But tomorrow she will crave her independence, her space, her solitude.

For while you have slept, she has been awake, unable to slow her thoughts, watching clocks and chasing time, trying to make the broken pieces fit, to make sense of it all—of where and how she fits. She fights her demons and slays her dragons, afraid if she goes to sleep they will gain the upper hand, afraid if she goes to sleep she will no longer be in control. Tomorrow she will be tired, and your presence will smother her. She will need only herself.

When she reaches out to you, love her.

When she pushes you away, lover her harder.

New situations and places and people and experiences will make her anxious. She will be fiercely independent and long to overcome her fears, all the while as terrified as a small child alone in the big world. Sometimes she will need to be courageous, to prove to herself she has what it takes. Other times she will need you to take her hand and hold it firmly in yours. Sometimes she may not know what she needs, and you will need to read her like a book with worn pages and a tattered spine and be what she needs when she does not know herself.

When she is brave and steps into the world on her own, love her.

When she is scared, but refuses to take your hand, love her harder.

She will live in fear of not being enough and always being too much—an endless battle to find the middle ground. Ashamed if the scale falls one way or the other, ashamed to be herself for no one has ever loved her both when she is small and also when she is tremendous.

When she feels too much, love her.

When she feels not enough, love her harder.

Sometimes she won’t hurt and the light will shine from her eyes and her laughter will be a rare and precious melody. But sometimes she will hurt so much from the trauma still in her body; she will ache, she will feel pain and anguish. The light will grow dim and the music will fade.

When she is the light, love her.

When she is the darkness, love her harder.

She will always love you with caution, with one foot out the door. For she does not understand a love with no conditions, one that is powerful enough to withstand hard times. She cannot allow herself to fully trust in your love, and she will keep parts of her heart hidden—the parts that have been hurt the most, the parts she can’t risk being hurt again when she has worked so hard to stitch them together.

She will always watch, wait and expect you to leave first. And when you don’t, she has a truth written upon her heart that says you will—it’s only a matter of time, for everyone who loves her leaves her. And so she will seek to sabotage the relationship; she will seek to destroy it, she will seek to leave first, she will seek to hurt you before you can hurt her. This is how she stays in control, this is how she survives, how she will ensure she will not get hurt again.

When she wants to love you, love her.

When she wants to hurt you, love her harder.

The woman who has been to hell and back is not easy to love.

Many have tried. Most have failed.

The weak need not attempt, for it will take more strength than you even know you possess; more patience, more resilience, more tenacity, more resolve. It requires a relentless love, one that is determined and not easily defeated.

For the woman who has been to hell and back will push you away. She will test you in her desire to know what you are made of, whether you have what it takes to weather her storm. Because she is unpredictable—at times a hurricane, a force of nature that rides on the fury of her suffering; other times a gentle rain, calm, still and quiet.

When she is the gentle rain that falls in time to her silent tears, love her.
When she is the thunder and lightning and ferocious winds that wreak havoc, love her harder.
She is a contradiction, a pendulum that will forever swing between fear of suffocation and fear of abandonment, and even she will not know how to find the balance between the two. Because today, although she will never tell you, she will feel insecure. She will want you to stay close, to tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss her on her forehead and hold her in the strength of your arms. But tomorrow she will crave her independence, her space, her solitude.
Being out of control terrifies her. Don’t ever make her feel powerless, trapped or without her

freedom. She needs to dance barefoot under enormous blue skies, to feel sand between her toes, to run with wolves as the wind weaves magic through her hair, for here is where her healing is found. Never clip her wings, for if she has the freedom to fly, she will always come back to you.
Love her when it’s easy, and love her harder when it’s not.

Love her in a way that will defy all she has ever known love to be.

Love her because you understand with every fiber of your soul the gift of her love, what it has cost her to offer you her fragile heart.

She does not need you. She has chosen you.

Because you have what it takes to survive the storm.

Because even when she doesn’t know how to love, you know how to love harder.
Author: Kathy Parker

(With permission)

Please check out Kathy’s blog at : https://kathyparker.com.au/

40 Comments

  1. Elsa March 4, 2017 Reply

    This is me….makes me cry sometimes couldn’t find someone who can love me more…
    Accept me who I am

  2. Rashida March 4, 2017 Reply

    Tears!! My soul on a page, penned by a wisdon only known by a spirit who has also successfully survived every level of hell there is.

  3. Rashida March 4, 2017 Reply

    Tears!! My soul on a page, penned by a wisdon only known by a spirit who has also successfully survived every level of hell there is.

  4. Ann March 4, 2017 Reply

    Beautiful! Every word is true.

  5. Anon786 March 5, 2017 Reply

    very very deep, sounds like my borderline soon to be x-wife unfortunately. describes her personality to the fullest. i tried but failed. she abandoned me thinking i will abandon her first. i did sometimes pushed her buttons when she was in her rage cause i didnt know how to deal with constant mood swings. i feel so sad without her. tried to win her back but she found someone else out the woodwork. didn’t care about the marriage of 7years, our 4 kids, and now a broken home. tried to save the marraige as humanly possible even with the infidelity but now i leave it up to god. again very good blog, reminds me everything i went with which was hard to put in words before but you explained it in a way that i couldnt say it in words before. great blog

  6. Me March 5, 2017 Reply

    This broke me.

    Bawled…

    Its like you know me, my past, how can you write so intricately what is going on in my own being when I wasnt quite sure myself?

  7. Julie March 5, 2017 Reply

    This is absolutely beautiful. I believe so many of us survivors of domestic violence and abuse can truly relate to the words well written in this poet reading. I hope many will take the time to read it for better understanding. Thank you for sharing.

  8. Tracy March 5, 2017 Reply

    It’s me all the way thought I had just found the one and he blew me off outta no where come to find out he was seeing someone else I’m better off

  9. Emily March 5, 2017 Reply

    I’m still crying after reading this. I have never felt understood completely and I’ve been through a lot in my life. I have a hard time expressing my feelings, You just did it for me. Words cannot express thank you enough for this writing that let’s me know someone understands the feelings in my heart 100%. Beautiful piece.

  10. Rob March 5, 2017 Reply

    I love someone like that, she is worth it

  11. Daniel March 5, 2017 Reply

    I did all this you know? it just happens that you can’t fill that hole sometimes

  12. Anamika April 4, 2017 Reply

    So true and absolutely beautiful.

  13. Virginia Burshaw April 11, 2017 Reply

    I was so blessed reading this article and thinking the whole time about the blessing that this woman has. This wonderful man to love her through her “Dark Night Of The Soul”. There are so many in the world that goes through this transition and it is the most lonely and painful time of life. Having no one in your life that understands what is happening is the worst. People leave you because they can’t handle all the drama. I would love to find a man as patient and kind as this one that I am reading about. He definitely is a God send to her!

  14. Pamela Cherapan April 13, 2017 Reply

    This hits so close to my heart and soul. Sometimes we just cannot rid ourselves of that pain totally but we love you deeply enough to give you all of our heart that we can…

  15. Lynn May 29, 2017 Reply

    It is quite a good read, determining what Hell and Back really is to people? Myself, I relate to PTSD Sufferers or NDE Survivors, who have actually gone through hell or stuck in the Void, the BATTLE to get out of Hell.. If anyone can Relate and Appreciate, you have to Go through REAL HELL “DEATH” (i.e. NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE or POST TRAUMATIC STRESS, after all, it is Memorial Day that I actually posted this as a BATTLE… GOOGLE: TO HELL AND BACK, it’s AMAZING

  16. Lowena Jeff May 31, 2017 Reply

    Very good reading. So very close to me. I had someone with that relentless love. He was patient, had more resilience,more tenacity,alot of resolve… More than anyone could ever possess. He was my Angel. I was so devestated the day we found out that he had cancer.
    I’m a lost soul once again living in fear and trapped all alone. My whole world just abruptly stopped when he left me. And I couldn’t even fight to get him back. He is in my heart forever 16 years we were together.

    NEVER EVER TAKE ANYONE FOR GRANTED.

  17. Deepak October 24, 2017 Reply

    Awesome Kathy thank you . . Reading the comments of the people who read this post makes me realize the amount of suffering in our world . Have had my own share of roller coasters in this life , however stood strong amidst the trauma I went through for more than ten years and today am healed and whole .

  18. Sridhar June 14, 2018 Reply

    Touched my heart. When you are tossed about like piece of straw in the wind and if and when you finally emerge and try to piece back your life it can get terribly tricky.To some extent this superb intuitive prose is indicative of the world we live in today.Thank you for writing it.

  19. Always June 15, 2018 Reply

    As I read this my history of pain and rejection began to surface. God has blessed me with a wonderful, loving, and attentive man. But I find myself every day waiting….for no one could possibly love me this much. I am so ashame of myself because my past pain of rejection is still present.

  20. Virginia Burshaw June 15, 2018 Reply

    I know the feeling! Guess I will never be blessed with someone to love me! Too late for me.

  21. Brian July 10, 2018 Reply

    I have met a woman with all these traits, and I am so blessed to have her in my life, my heart. ♥. From the first moment I felt a deep connection with her soul, and I always say “I get you” I understand the storms, those huge waves that wash over and I have the strength and patience to understand that after the storms have passed there will be a cleansing, and a rebirth, and the epiphany that follows is a beautiful experience. You are worth all the tribulations, & no matter what form our love & friendship takes, I shall never let go of what we share. LuvU CB

  22. Xyz August 11, 2018 Reply

    Very good blog.

    Its all about my wife. Well it needs lots of patience, persistence, strength and unconditional love to hold such woman.

    But take my words, accept them and love them unconditionally. Soon they will change and change your entire world.

    Now i can’t imagine my life without her. I’m lucky to have her as my wife. Now even when I get mad coz of no reason, she hold me and care me like a baby. She care me more than herself.

    Just feeling blessed to be her husband

  23. Nick September 7, 2018 Reply

    Yes this is my ex girlfriend to a tee.She sent this to me after we split up almost 7 years together.How the hell any of you women on here expect happiness treating the person your with badly and not opening up to them about how feel.I think its bullshit 7 years of me apologizing me being treated like shit.Get some help and quit ruining everyone else’s lives!!!

    • Harish September 9, 2018 Reply

      I agree Nick. I’m with you on this. The situation is the same with my GF as well. I always support her more than I can afford to. I never see that support from her when I really need her. And after just one instance when I broke down, she feels I’m not good enough for her and that I don’t love her. Infact, she sent this article to me to make me feel bad. These women think it’s only women who have feelings and only they have been to hell and back. They never realised the fact that men have feelings and they too have to hell and back.

    • Suzanne October 17, 2018 Reply

      Agreed. As a woman, I hate this crap. It is so one sided. I am difficult, but I do recognize it isn’t all about me and men have wounds too. There is much better reading to be had if both people are willing to work on their issues. I recommend the book Attached.

  24. Jenn September 21, 2018 Reply

    Wow – This is so beautiful, true and yet, so sad to know that there are multiple women out there that feel this way. If it is the feelings that I know, that i feel, and what was just written – its a living nightmare. A confusing maze, wondering how other women are so confident and happy – how other couples look so amazing from the outside, wondering what they argue about behind closed doors and at the same time, begging for something that may not exist – true love. Wanting something you never had, but not wanting to take the leap to find out in fear that your problems may not be as terrible as the beautiful couple holding hands in the grocery store; little does society know – they hold hands because of the lack of trust and destroyed esteem to let the world know that they are taken. This is so beautiful and so true – I thought I was the only one who felt like a lunatic in love. . . its very exhausting.

  25. Robert Biel October 6, 2018 Reply

    A beautiful and stirring piece of writing!

  26. Diane Sobkowicz October 17, 2018 Reply

    thats me alright but i am lovable and caring

  27. Jayde Ryan Butler October 17, 2018 Reply

    This sounds very disturbing to me.

    Shouldn’t this individual first seek help to resolve the past trauma before trying to test a potential partners wit and resolve in a relationship? This looks like a very destructive individual who needs counselling before getting involved in a relationship on any kind.

    • Suzanne October 17, 2018 Reply

      Agreed!

    • Sarah October 18, 2018 Reply

      My thoughts exactly!

      As beautifully and deeply this piece is written it is also sad and heart breaking.

      Someone who behaves and feels like this needs professional help to build their self-esteem and help heal from their past trauma without projecting all it on to someone else.

  28. Amy B October 17, 2018 Reply

    So sad. I never read something that really is me to the spot. I didn’t know why I’m the way I am. I thought I’m just a freak. Often heard that I’m sick in the head. Married, now for the 3rd time. I runaway from problems and terrified to get hurt. Thank you so much for this text. ❤

  29. Ginamarie October 17, 2018 Reply

    This is ME! Sand under my toes, dancing barefoot…all of it! ❤

  30. Daphne October 17, 2018 Reply

    You got me in a way that I didn’t even get myself. Thank you for knowing this and sharing it so I could know me.

  31. Carol October 17, 2018 Reply

    This made me cry, silently of course, we rarely blub out loud do we?
    It’s the first time someone has understood how I feel and been able to convey it. I can’t even convey it properly, especially now I have Fybromyalgia, it messes with my vocabulary. Beautiful piece of work. Thank you, it helps.

  32. Rafa October 17, 2018 Reply

    How the Hell can anyone survive a Hurricane on a regular basis, get it? I don’t, can someone explain it to me? If you comeback from hell I’d wonder what is that about and why you bringing me all this heat? I didn’t send you there and now I’m here

  33. Suzanne October 17, 2018 Reply

    You know, men have been through hell sometimes too. As a woman, sometimes I’m amazed at the ridiculous one-sidedness of pieces like this. I mean, I get it, I have some of these issues described, but guess what? So do the men in my life!
    Women that share this on Facebook are narcissistic as hell too, in a lot of cases, and sadly, don’t do the work on themselves and feel “abused” when a man can’t meet their every emotional need.

    • DP October 24, 2018 Reply

      Thank you

  34. Aruna October 18, 2018 Reply

    It’s a relief to know that I’m not alone in this whirlwind of Life where…I’m made out to b this character! !

  35. DP October 19, 2018 Reply

    “I am sorry you were not strong enough, I forgive you . Please don’t reply”
    Passive aggressive or what?
    I get this ^ after 2 months broken up. This whole writing is poetic,but…. I say this,.. if we are in a relationship, I punch you in the face,(emotionally speaking) I dont apologise, I dont talk to you for a few days, you reach out to me in a spirit of love, I punch you again, I dont apologise again, over and over this happens, but please, I just want you to keep taking the punches cos that’s how you love a woman who has been to hell and back. Then I beat you again by apologising to you because you are not strong enough to keep taking the punches (emotionally). And I forgive you for being weak too!!.

    If you are in a relationship like this with a woman, you are being abused, it is domestic violence, there are strong bpd/npd traits in this woman. THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE TO BOTH OF YOU.
    Dont ever mistake “going to hell and back” with being strong and independent and that a ‘weak’ man cant handle a ‘strong’ woman. Dont confuse those terms with the reality of them which is angry, abusive and entitled victim mentality (NPD/BPD). I am the man that loves this woman, I broke up with her. Get some real help, start by taking ownership of your own pain, and doing something about it. And then see what happens if you make a sincere humble apology. See what healing that brings about.

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