5 Myths About the Other Woman. (That Wives Always Tell Themselves)

5 Myths About the Other Woman

Discovering that your husband has cheated can be one of the most devastating moments in your life. Finding out that you have been basically living a lie can come as an overwhelming shock. Between deciphering the truth from the lies, and seeing all the signs that you missed, you feel like nothing short of a fool. Not to mention you feel compared to this other woman, who in your mind, has almost develops super powers. This is where you need to gain some clarity and insight to see her for who she truly is.
She must be amazing.
Let’s face it, this woman’s moral compass doesn’t exactly point north if she is actively involved with a married man. Worse yet, one with a family. This shows a very self-seeking disposition. So basically, short of committing murder, you probably can’t top her own special brand of selfishness. Honestly, anyone who can eagerly go after someone else’s man, is nothing short of evil. You need to realize that although you have a certain responsibility for the decline of your relationship, you aren’t anything like this woman. You may have failed to meet your husband’s needs but you aren’t someone who would steal what doesn’t belong to you. So why are you putting someone like her up on an invisible pedestal? Even if she had no idea who you were, there is still a matter of what is morally right and morally wrong. She isn’t a four-year-old, stealing a cookie from the cookie jar. She is trying to take another woman’s husband, life and willingly destroying a family. Something that she would not tolerate or accept if your roles were reversed. My favorite cop out is when the other woman professes her innocence by saying, “Well, if it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else.” While that may be true, it also speaks volumes about who she is. The fact that it wasn’t “someone else” pretty much tells you everything you need to know about her. That level of selfishness is unparalleled. Not only is she a borderline narcissist but she has very little regard for her fellow human beings and the sisterhood of women.
He is in love with her.
He is not in love, he is under the influence. An affair is often compared to a drug addiction. He is filled with lots of chemicals that are not allowing your husband to think coherently. The secrecy and the fantasy of this elicit relationship create a perfect storm of illusion and fiction. She isn’t any better than you, he is just seeing her through a fog. What draws him to her isn’t that she is in any way better than you, it’s that he has a chemical dependency on her. It is addiction and he is looking for another hit the way a drug addict would or another drink like an alcoholic. Once he has been separated from her for a while, he will begin to think more clearly, and he won’t feel the same intense need for her. What he saw in her during the affair was fueled by hormones and once those hormones have essentially dried up, he sees the real person. He will begin to come back down to Earth and most likely will begin to see her flaws that he ignored before.
She is more compatible and must have something special to offer.
When your husband decided to cheat, it was most likely because some or most of his needs were not being met. The day-to-day routine of life can be a death sentence for any relationship. Especially, if the couple goes from being lovers to roommates and co-parents. The other woman isn’t more attractive or better in bed, she simply was meeting a need that you weren’t. She is only doing exactly what you did in the early days of your relationship, that over time fell by the wayside. Most likely, she admires him, makes him feel manly and sexy, she makes him feel accepted and wanted. It is not her that he really wants, it’s how she makes him feel. She is just meeting his needs and his craving for admiration and respect. It is very easy for him to fall prey to her if he feels like he is being starved of this at home or he feels like he can’t make you happy. If he can’t seem to make you happy then he will find someone he can. Of course, during the honeymoon phase of his relationship with the other woman, it is easy to make her happy while he is devoting his time and attention to her. Meanwhile, the shift in his behavior and attention as well as his pulling away, make you all the more miserable. You can combat this by just living in the moment and trying to genuinely enjoy your husband and your life. There is nothing magical or sensational about her, she is just making him feel special. You can very easily turn everything around and save your marriage if you apply the same principles.
They are soulmates (so she says).
The good news is that while you might have a lot of work to do, rebuilding your relationship, any relationship he might have with her doesn’t truly have a future. Endless statistics show that most husbands never leave their wives. However, in the rare instance that the husband does leave the wife for the other woman, the relationship between them is doomed to failure. Something started in deceit has a very little chance of surviving. While the other woman might profess that they have this “spiritual” and “soulful” connection, it is all based on chemicals and hormones. Plain and simple, it’s a fantasy. This relationship is based on lies, deceit and hidden agendas. If it were to ever enter into everyday life of living together, it would most likely, in due course, dissolve. This isn’t a soulmate or true love bond, it is a bond created in duplicity and deception. It was their shared secret and the need for concealment that created the attachment and once it has come to light, the fervor will eventually begin to fade.
She thinks she is better than you.
Believe it or not, she is seething with jealousy over you. You know your husband better than anyone, in a way she never can. You and your husband have a shared history, perhaps children and this creates an unshakable bond that ties you both together for life (or at least as long as your children are around). While you are looking at her and are thinking that she must be some amazing woman because she managed to snag your man, she has been looking at you all along and wondering why she couldn’t altogether steal him from you and break your hold over him. Why won’t he just leave you. No doubt, this is probably frustrating the heck out of her. If she has tried to get your husband to leave you, you can bet that she has tried to poison your husband against you by exaggerating your personality flaws, and telling him you don’t appreciate him the way she would. She sees you as the evil shrew keeping her from her happy ending, holding your husband hostage. She knows deep down inside that he loved you and probably still does. You still share a life with him, a bed, children and she knows her hold on him is very tentative at best. That alone makes her crazy with jealousy. While she might not have any respect for the institution of marriage, she is more than aware of the validity of it. Her relationship with him constantly stands on an extremely fragile and crumbling foundation and the threat of it ending at any time is constantly hanging over her head. As much as she lies to herself, she knows that this clandestine relationship is undoubtedly temporary and that creates a desperateness in her that makes her positively hate you. She is worried, and rightly so, that most of the things your husband told her were just to keep her complacent and from blowing his cover. Especially now if everything has come out, and he is still with you. She is questioning everything and coming up short.
You might feel like you are falling apart inside but take solace in the fact that you are a good and decent person. You are the better woman and you are stronger than you know. While your marriage might be in crisis, you have a genuine opportunity to fix your marriage and make it stronger than it has ever been. Winning your husband back and having a great marriage again isn’t about showing your husband why the other woman is wrong for him. It is showing him that you are right for him.

About Kimberly Crawford

is a writer who lives in Upstate New York with her family. Her work focuses on travel, music, and relationships. Life is an adventure and her goal is to help people really live it.

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  1. Your perspective is old fashioned and skewed. You speak from the base insecurity of a married woman. Your article would have been far more refreshing and interesting, let alone practically groundbreaking had you acknowledged real truths around affairs instead; they are often HIS choice, based on HIS needs, or due HIS peer pressure, and more often initiated by HIM. Additionally, because the marriage has already dissolved in any aspect but legality and, as men do, he won’t leave kids, money, or even her behind until he has found his next woman to make a life with. Men do not like to be alone, with statistics showing they are far more likely to remarry quickly.

    It’s far past time for writers to do their own research on this subject and stop regurgitating old religion based versions of affairs mixed with blame solely on the other woman.

  2. As the other woman I have no desire to take any one’s husband nor break up a family. I have the utmost respect for the wife. I don’t like that I’m in this situation but we are friends and have love for each other. The sex is phenomenal and we respect each other greatly. I never went after him…he had a crush on me for 5 years before I ever knew. It was another 2 years before we started a relationship. We’ve been seeing each other now over 10 years. I am Single and don’t date. And I’ve had more married men come after me than single men.

    1. I was too the other woman and don’t agree with the article. Maybe the writer should have done some research a bit more before making assumptions. While I was persuaded into my relationship because it wasn’t his first and there was no feelings we too were friends and went to school together. I was never jealous of his wife but felt sorry for her at times because I would hear his lies he would tell her about his whereabouts and knew the other side of him that she never knew about. We too had fun together going out to baseball games, driving around and just hanging out then the wife filed for divorce not knowing about us it was for different reasons, he changed on me. He started seeing other women behind my back and I began to see I was no longer important. Every new woman he encountered he would chase after like it was a conquest for him to win. We ended badly when I confronted him and exposed our secret to many people we knew. But all these years I only saw two sides of him and always believed him when he said that we would always be honest with each other and not to sleep with anyone else. It was after I exposed us to our friends did i learn about his other affairs before me from the start of their marriage and down to the very end when he was perusing a friend we went to school with who is a single mother promising her another baby while starting a new relationship with another while telling me he misses me and telling me he was not talking to anyone else. I felt betrayed because I fell for his charm and believed a cheater and liar. Never was I in love with him because I knew he was a liar and cheater but we had a bond that we shared and he had no reason to skirt behind my back. He used me for a few years then moved on to more women. He is not my problem anymore after exposing us to his family, new girlfriends and soon to be ex-wife I was baptized last October and I am currently in a committed relationship. I wish I could go back in time when he was perusing me and asked me to have an affair to say no as I have now let him waste three years of my life trusting him.

  3. The author sounds like a bitter woman scorned with no real basis for her “Myths”. No, I’m not the other woman.

  4. How can you have any respect let alone upmost respect for his wife when you’ve no respect for yourself??
    You are sleeping with a married man. He’s the wrongun granted as you’re single but come on with the respect comment.

  5. I was the other woman. My partner was married for 3 years, had a wife who he fell out of love with way before i came in the picture. He stayed in the marriage out of respect for its legality. He lit up like a teenager when we became neighbors. We started an affair we both did not want to acknowledge. I was divorced as well. We both had kids. We were in our early 30s. Here’s the thing. Not all extramarital affairs are about what you wrote. Some form great love and affection. I have found a lifetime partner in him and we’ve been together now for nearly 3 decades. We still date, we still dicscover each other. There are ups and downs, but knowing you never want to lose this person yoy deeply love, you want to fix it, work on it everyday. Thats how we got to be here 3 decades after. What you wrote is old fashioned, old thinking, and one sided.

  6. Ms No name you are wasting your life with this deceitful man and deceiving yourself. He hadn’t left his wife in ten years! You could get all that you have and better with a fully committed man than a liar and cheat. He’d do the same to you if you were his wife. Think how you would like it if you were married and someone stole your husband. “You can’t build your happiness on another woman’s tears”.

  7. The replies of the ‘ other ‘women made me smile. Oh how you fool yourselves. .. if he wanted to be with you he would leave her. Deluded fools who can’t see this author has the situation spot on .

  8. It always amazes me how everyone wants to blame “the other woman” in an affair….There are 2 additional people that need to take responsibility for their behavior. First off not all men are upfront about their marital status, second apparently the wife possibly isn’t meeting her husbands needs in one way or another…there is obviously a problem in the marriage…not that it make it right for another woman to step in. And how is it that you can accuse the other woman of thinking she is superior or that she thinks she is better than his wife when you haven’t any idea of what she may or may not think. Maybe the affair started out as a friendship….maybe she listened to him when his wife wasn’t listening and maybe it developed from there….even if it’s still not right….others need to take their share of responsibility for their part in the failure of it. Stop placing blame on one person when you don’t know the facts about the whole situation or how or why it really played out the way that it did.

  9. All the “other women” piping up with their opinions about their affair partners marriage, I’m sure he’s filled you in on how out of love they are and he’s just staying for the kids, blah blah blah. I’m sure most of those wives would be happy to end their marriage rather than being cheated on and lied to.

  10. Because it is the woman’s job to take care of the kids and the household, the stress and the pressure of that forces a woman to put dating and relationship to the far end. She’s not anymore the lovely woman he used to date She’s now, most of the time, the ogre, especially if the man she’s with have no initiative to help. Most Men are raised brats. Other than not knowing how to help at the worst times of his wife’s married life to him, he’ll aggravate the situation by having a pity party for not having his candy. He now starts to seek company from outside. Let me correct this article. It is not the women who seeks out a relationship. 2 out of 3, it’s the men who try to initiate and gain ground. So wives, do not blame the other woman more than 50 percent of the time. Those women have probably been in a similar situation like u. They’ve just decided to set themselves free and for once live a life of their own. They don’t give a damn anymore. You wanna keep your husbands? Teach them to do family work with u. If not willing, drop them like hot potatoes!

  11. I totally agree that most affairs start with the man’s advances. When a man’s ego, self confidence, his needs are not being met, they will seek gratification elsewhere. I was the other woman, I was married too. I was unhappy in my marriage and so was he, in his. We met through work and we gradually developed a platonic relationship over the course of 4 years. We became best friends. One evening, over dinner, things changed. He kissed me and my world as I knew it changed. I didn’t ask for it, it just happened. Had he not kissed me, I would have been oblivious to change my life. It put forward events that turned my life upside down, but ultimately was for the best outcome.
    We both got divorced from our spouses and then married each other. We have been together and happy for almost 20 years. He is my soulmate. We are still crazy about each other to this day. We were simply attached to other people when we met, we can’t be expected to remain unhappy for bad decisions that we made earlier. We are on this earth for such a short period, why remain miserable. We have choices!

  12. The ‘other woman’ had a choice to have or not have the affair with a married man.. however much he pursued, persuaded or confessed his undying love.
    She could have rebuffed his advances. No one gets forced into a clandestine affair
    She’s as much to blame as he is….

  13. Totally agree with Betsy it takes two to tango and find it deeply affensive you place all the blame on the woman
    If a marriage ha reached a natral end is it not far more productive to move on thn live in a loveless marriage just to houner convention

  14. Interesting perspective. I am the other woman. There are three in our relationship. We were “found out” the first time in 2017. The first Armageddon. The most recent was June 3rd and resulted in the last Armageddon of June 5th

    But after 76 days the love of my life is back.

    And is trying to get psych help to move forward with his life poor soul.

    It’s not always the fault of the other woman,

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