To encourage you to keep going.
To remind you to be strong.

Published on June 29, 2016 in Blog1, Picture Quotes
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It’s a hard pill to swallow. But the truth is going to heal your heart a lot faster than simply letting it break over and over until you finally face what you knew all along anyway:

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

There are a million possible scenarios here. It’s easier when he’s an asshole – selfish, only thinking of himself, using you to make someone else jealous, using you in general, treating you poorly, crushing you thoughtlessly, whatever. But it’s a lot harder when he’s a good guy, and you still have to let him go. When he tells you that you’re an incredible person, but he just doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Or when he really likes you, but doesn’t think you’re the one. Or when he just doesn’t feel as strongly as you do and he wants to be honest. Or when he can’t seem to make up his mind and feels confused, which he doesn’t yet realize just means that he’s afraid of hurting you, that feeling ‘confused’ just a softer way of eventually saying ‘no.’ If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t have had to make up his mind in the first place. It would just be an answer that he felt deeply in his gut.

But regardless, whether he’s a wonderful guy or an asshole or somewhere in between, this is about you, moving on. Because no matter what the situation was, no matter how well he treated you or how much fun you had together or how well you got along, he doesn’t want to be with you. And that’s the truth. And that’s going to be your life raft for the next several weeks or months, no matter how much you don’t want to grab onto it. It is what is going to eventually help you come to peace with the end of your relationship, or the fizzling out of your fling, or the ‘no more talking’ after you guys spent so much time ‘talking.’ It is the truth, and as ugly as it is, it will be the only thing that can help you move on:

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

It’s easy to try to soften the blow. He needs time, or he just needs a little space, or he’s just afraid of commitment and I just need to reassure him, or he builds walls and it’s my job to kick through them.

But think about the way you feel about him. How easy and natural and obvious it feels. How you don’t even need to question whether or not you should be with him, because it just feels right in your veins. How, even if you were scared of committing to someone or getting hurt or opening yourself up, you were still willing to do it, because your heart had already made up your mind. You wanted to be with him, so you were. The decision was simple. It really wasn’t even a decision at all.

Now can you imagine feeling all those things but choosing not to be with him anyway?

That’s why your heart is broken. Because he didn’t feel those things. He didn’t feel that same certainty that you did, deep in your bones. And you can’t change that, and you can’t fix yourself, and there’s nothing you did wrong. It’s just the truth. His heart didn’t make the decision for his brain, because his heart is in a different place from yours. And that really, really sucks. And you just have to accept it. And that sucks even more.

Maybe you’ll get over this in weeks, maybe months. Maybe longer. It will hurt, some days will be horrible and some will be okay. But the smallest of silver linings is this: you can let your heart break once – instead of breaking it a million times by convincing yourself that he’s making a mistake or he probably misses you or you should call him. Love yourself enough to be hard on yourself:

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

Written by Kim Quindlen (with permission)

This article was originally published in thoughtcatalog.com

11 Comments

  1. ms.pinky June 29, 2016 Reply

    It really speaks to me. And now, I’m on my way of moving on.

  2. Marchi June 29, 2016 Reply

    I’m a little slow I guess, UT in my situation, if my wife was the one feeling this,holt shit is she wrong.I live her brains out.BUT IF this is just torture me time,forget it.I lice her

  3. jane June 30, 2016 Reply

    Thank you for sharing this

  4. Bobby G. July 3, 2016 Reply

    Thank you so much, idk why this makes so much sense but it does. i have read so many things trying to say how to move on, but this just clicks. it doesnt matter if they are good or bad, she didnt love me as i loved her, and i have to move on. thank you

  5. Julie July 3, 2016 Reply

    These words cut to the core with raw honesty. Usually one to hide behind a smile, reading this article opened a flood gate of reality, sadness, and renewed loneliness. Perhaps it is too soon to read this as the nerve is still very much exposed, perhaps it is the perfect time. I do know, there is nothing healthy about living in a perpetual state of mourning so the struggle to force the heart to acknowledge what the brain knows and has known for some time is a very difficult battle that will take a tremendous amount of strength to accomplish and seem like a never ending uphill feat. After using all energy focusing on trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, one must dig deep in search of some energy on reserve even though so much more is needed.

  6. Alicia August 17, 2016 Reply

    If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.
    Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
    Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
    Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be.
    Slower is better.
    Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
    If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends”. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.
    Don’t settle.
    If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
    Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
    The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
    Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
    Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
    Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
    If something bothers you, speak up.
    Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
    You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.
    Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are… even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
    Never let a man define who you are.
    Never borrow someone else’s man. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.
    A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
    All men are NOT dogs.
    You should not be the one doing all the bending… compromise is two way street.
    You need time to heal between relationships… there is nothing cute about baggage… Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
    You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you… a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals… look for someone complimentary… not supplementary.
    Dating is fun… even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.
    Make him miss you sometimes… when a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him – he takes it for granted.
    Never move into his mother’s house.
    Never co-sign for a man.
    Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

  7. Larissa August 18, 2016 Reply

    I finally get it

  8. Holly August 28, 2016 Reply

    This is so true. What I thought was love just wasn’t there anymore. I have tried and tried to make things better to no avail. I messed up and went away. That space made him feel differently about me and not to mention he had an affair. But looking back now I think did we ever really have real love. I used to ask him “what do you love about me”. He is not an overly romantic guy so sometimes it is hard for him to express his feelings. He would say I love how well you take care of me and the kids. It was always about my abilities never really about me. Never specific either. I could say I love the way when we had our first child and the look on your face how you could not take your eyes off our son. My heart skipped a beat. I could see a sparkle and he was so afraid to touch him yet so anxious to hold him. I just knew this man was so nurturing and I was so proud. But for me. You make a lot of money and by me nice things. 20 years together 15 years of marriage. High school sweethearts. I paid my way thru college and he worked minimal jobs. I never worried because I loved. But when I had a crises and was down for two years. I still paid the bills and he cheats with someone 15 yrs younger, tells me he wants to leave, leaves. I find out about affair begs to come back b/c no money and wants to work on marriage. Every other day can’t make up mind what he wants to do. If he wants to stay or move where his family lives so that is why can’t get job now. Trying to find himself. I finally blew up last night and said this is not love. I don’t know what it is but I don’t trust him. He is not remorseful. I don’t have time for him to find himself. And like it says above. If he wanted to be with me nothing would stop him. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

  9. Michele March 11, 2017 Reply

    Thank you. Eleven years is hard to let go of and give up on. But this article makes so much sense; I totally connect with the words. So thank you again.

  10. Dean March 13, 2017 Reply

    Five simple words to remember…… ” Love shouldn’t be that difficult”……..

  11. YOX April 11, 2017 Reply

    Everytime you think.. but what if i do this or act like that maybe he will see me in a different way, maybe he will notice me this time. Everytime yoi give your self a glimmer of hope that he or she will want you if you change or if you do something rediculous, slap it out of your mind. Stop trying so hard for their love its not supposed to be taken or won over, its given. Become the best you, you can be and in time the best man or woman for you, will notice.

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